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Meeting of the grinds

February 7th, 2019 Leave a comment Go to comments

Hello, everyone. Thanks for stopping by. I know you’re all confused as to why I’ve gathered you here today, and I haven’t helped in the slightest by refusing to give you any details. It’s just that I figured everyone would have questions and it would be easier for me to answer all of them at the same time. Also, this is a bit of a celebration for me, so I thought, why not throw a little party too? But enough with the wind-up. Let me get right to the point, which is this: I’ve become a Bruxist.

Okay, okay. Obviously I can’t answer all of your questions at once, but no, Deborah, I didn’t say Brexit. It’s Bruxist. See, bruxism is the condition of grinding your teeth or clenching your jaw, and I met a guru on it in a chat forum recently, and this guy changed my whole life. I had heard of the condition when my dentist mentioned that my teeth looked damaged from excessive grinding, but never really followed up on it because it sounded like bad news, and you guys know how much I hate that. As a matter of fact, it was ten years ago I haven’t seen a dentist since. I’m sure it’s fine.

But back to the guru. He realized the conditions that cause bruxism are other health factors and that those could be harnessed for a greater cause, like the religion he created: the Bruxist Fellowship. See, the primary factors that bind us together as a community are anxiety, stress, sleep apnea, and misaligned or cracked teeth. Everyone in the church is afflicted with one of these symptoms, but what really drew me in is that I suffer from all five of them! The guru says I’m a skeleton key!

No, the guru doesn’t have a name. Not one that I can tell you anyway, because you can only pronounce it by grinding your teeth in a very specific way that I haven’t mastered yet. He says I’ll get there though, and I believe him. Any other questions? Well, Harry, no. I can’t go back in and tell the dentist about my cracked teeth. Then she’ll tell me that I need to get them worked on for thousands of dollars, and now we’re back into the bad news paradigm. No way. Weren’t you guys listening?

Whoa, don’t everyone shout at once! You’re triggering my anxiety and stressing me out, though I guess if you do that enough, I’ll be able to practice saying the guru’s name some more. But let’s do that later, okay? For now, I just want you all to be happy for me that I’ve found a new community that understands me and accepts me for who I am. Oh, it’s not that everybody here doesn’t, it’s just that…look. Maybe we can open the wine now and save some of the questions for a moment? But first I need to find my funnel so I can guzzle my glass without it any touching my teeth. Getting wine in the cracked ones really hurts!

Categories: satan
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