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State of the Union

February 6th, 2019 Leave a comment Go to comments

My fellow Americans, I come before you tonight to speak to you about our country at this moment in time. Rather than pepper you with rosy scenarios and ridiculous hyperbole, let me cut to the chase: it’s bad out there. Really bad. The worst. Do you realize how many versions of the Real Housewives show are on right now? I found three on the satellite feed in the limo on the way here alone. What are we doing, people? Don’t you know only the New Jersey and Atlanta ones are good? The ladies in the other ones are total dogs!

But that’s just scratching the surface. There’s all the garbage these new Netflix and Hula Hoop or whatever it is are making. Some of them are even set in foreign locations so you have to read the subtitles while it plays. What the hell is that? I can’t think of anything more un-American than reading while you should be watching TV. There’s some action scene when a guy is getting his face ripped off by a swamp monster and I’m too busy trying to read about the sounds the monster is making to even see it. It’s a disgrace!

And while television is one of the most important things about our country, we’ve got plenty of other issues, everybody. I was in Colorado recently and wanted to support the local economy, so I went into the first place I saw, which I thought was a porn shop. Nothing wrong with that, folks. Commerce is good for the economy, right? It comes in all forms. Anyway, I go in and it’s just a bunch of dope for sale. This kid even tried to sell me a joint! Can you believe that? There wasn’t a single porn mag in the whole place! What have we become?

Also, hairspray is too expensive these days. We’re gonna fix that, folks. Used to be you could get Aqua Net by the crate for a steal, but anymore you have to kill forty orangutans to make a single bottle! It’s a catastrophe. Last year I had to hire Somali pirates to secure my supply. You can’t rely on Americans for that kind of thing. They’re too stupid and the cargo is too precious. I’d only ever trust pirates for a delivery like that. Well, maybe the KGB.

What the hell are you signaling to me? Look at the teleprompter? Well, all it says is, “Please stop. You’re going off the rails,” another obvious malfunction. Right, folks? What rails? Do you see any rails? I had a malfunction with my Twitter account too, you know, where they cracked down something called “bots” who were actually my followers! It’s a disgrace! “We’re pulling the plug, you look like an ass” this thing says now. Another malfunction, everybody! Terrible. You know who had an ass, though? Sophie Loren. My god, what a thing of b-

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