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Can’t you see the clock?

January 30th, 2019 Leave a comment Go to comments

Have you seen my keys? Weren’t they just here a second ago? You don’t think the dog ate them, do you? What do you mean, could he even swallow something like that? Don’t you remember the toilet brush incident? How could you not, after watching Rex gag on that thing and then get the protruding handle caught in the screen door? You mean to tell me you managed to black all of that out? How is that even possible?

Well, how should I know that you’re kidding? Couldn’t you even crack a smile? I’m supposed to be some type of master of sarcasm when I’m running as late as I am, is that it? Can’t you stop being a wiseass for once? Can’t you please just help me locate what I’m missing? They’ve got to be around here somewhere, right? If Rex did it, wouldn’t he be gagging right now instead of lying over there like lump? So where did the keys go?

You’re accusing me of overreacting? Well, that’s just lovely, isn’t it? How can you blame me for panicking when I had my keys a second ago and now I suddenly don’t? How is it unreasonable to feel anxious when I’m this late and material objects are evaporating behind my back? Isn’t the sane response to try and solve the problem by puzzling it out? Doesn’t that seem better than lobbing accusations at me about being hysterical? Doesn’t it? WHY WON’T YOU TELL ME?

Still, if it wasn’t the dog, what could have happened? Inanimate objects haven’t started growing legs and walking away while I had my back turned, have they? Why are you being so coy? What do you have to hide? And why do you have your hand behind your back? Have you had the keys all this time and haven’t been telling me? Why would you even do that? What on earth are you thinking when I’m so…OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL??

You threw me a surprise party? All of you are here because of my birthday? And that’s why Jim has been playing this key game with me, to keep me from leaving? You’re saying I can calm down now? Well, what the hell is wrong with all of you? Can’t you see I’m still late?

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