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Seeking sanity

January 20th, 2019 Leave a comment Go to comments

Yeah, you heard me right. I’m suing the MLB for emotional distress. As a New Yorker, every year I root for the Mets, which without fail causes me acute pain. I weep, I scream into pillows. It’s awful. My wife refuses to be around when I watch because I get so upset, so there are 162 incidents every summer where she isn’t talking to me. Enough! I’m going to court to recoup the damages this awful team causes me every year. Justice must be done!

None of this leaves the NFL off the hook either. As a Jets fan, I’m forced to go on days-long benders during football season just to cope, which is detailed extensively in my case against the league for mental anguish. No longer will I tolerate this humiliation they subject me to every season that leaves me with no alternative but to punch random street lights in frustration. I’ll have my day in court and set things right!

Which brings me to the NBA, arguably the worst offender of them all. I considered trying to form a class-action suit against them for even allowing the Knicks to continue existing, but in the end, I opted to challenge them on the grounds of psychological trauma instead. The team has been terrible for my entire living memory and the stress of even trying to care has become too much to bear. This maltreatment must not stand! I’m being tortured by the ineptitude of it all!

Now, I recognize that the counterargument to my lawsuits will be that I can change team allegiances at any time to minimize my exposure to this malfeasance. It’s not any league’s choice who I root for, after all. This may seem like a logical parry from a legal standpoint, but it ignores the fundamental rule of fandom, which is that you’re stuck rooting for whatever team you decided you liked when you were seven for the rest of your life. Were this not true, I’d be able to be a giddy Yankees fan every year and avoid my misery. Alas, that wasn’t the path I chose as a child, and it’s these damn sports czars’ faults.

Of course there’s the NHL too, though I actually got that one right and picked the Rangers over the Islanders. They even won a Stanley Cup in my lifetime, though it was 25 years ago. The problem is that I stopped my cable service and subscribed to NHL.tv instead, not knowing they blackout all the local games! So now I don’t see any of the games and fly into crazed rants directed at our pet cat whenever a match is on and I can’t see it. The cat has literally tried to claw my eyes out during this episodes and I have pictures as evidence. Anyway, I’m suing for cerebral torment.

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