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Racing toward the race

January 12th, 2019 Leave a comment Go to comments

As the 2020 Presidential race enters its first stage, journalists and pundits everywhere are searching desperately through the tea leaves for signals as to who’s going to run. This reporter is no different. Not only am I late in filing this column, I have a profound lack of talent for the craft and couldn’t think of anything else to write about! So, let’s see what we know.

Governor Gilly Wiltingson (D-OR) was recently sighted at a tree-planting ceremony as part of her state’s forest conservation initiative. Was this an appeal to the environmental wing of her party, who’s sure to have an outsize influence on the 2020 campaign? Some say it was just something that had been on her calendar for months, an event she also happens to do every year, but that seems unlikely. Verdict: she’s running!

Senator Marcus Poliobreath (D-VA) was spotted at the grocery store last week, signing up for a member card. Was this a foray into the world of ordinary people who need to save that extra twenty cents on bread each week? Then again, the store is part of a chain that’s a subsidiary of Whole Foods, which could appear snobbish to the average voter. Determination: he’s not running.

Industrialist Helen Bearerbond, a prominent weapons manufacturer, has made headlines recently by threatening to blow up a mountain range if her corporation is not given another tax break. A self-identified Republican, she represents the first real possible person who could credibly primary the president. The biggest questions remaining are whether she’ll follow through on her threats and the proximity of the exploded mountains to any swing states. Summary: she’s definitely running!

Representative Tobias Placebo (D-MN) had his Amazon order history leaked last week to much ado. Was this done at his behest to showcase all those Viagra orders as a bid to relate to the elderly community early on, a crucial part of any winning coalition? Or do the repeated purchases of sex robots dampen that likelihood? Tough to say. Judgment: not running.

A turkey vulture I saw on my lawn this morning also grabbed my attention when it chased me around my car for ten minutes. Once I was finally inside my vehicle, it proceeded to peck and scratch at the door until I sped away. Upon reaching the office, I realized it had damaged the paint and etched into it something resembling “rn1dme.” I can only assume its intent was to telegraph “run one Democrat: me.” Considering how hard it was pursuing me, I can only imagine how relentless it would be in courting the entire electorate. Conclusion: that bird’s running!

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