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Ringing it in

December 31st, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

BABY NEW YEAR FINALS, AWARDS STAGE, NEW YEAR’S EVE, DECEMBER 31, 2018

FATHER TIME: So now we’re down to our last three contestants as we enter the final round of competition. Let’s meet our finalists again, shall we?

MOTHER NATURE: Indeed, Father! First, we have Baby Phillip from Ohio, a newborn with fantastic emoji skills that look primed to tackle the new year!

BABY PHILLIP: Buh buh buh buh!

(applause)

TIME: Great stuff. Who’s next, Mother?

NATURE: Next, we have Baby Manuela from Argentina! She’s fluent in more than 35 languages!

BABY MANUELA: Hua hua oui si wah!

(applause)

TIME: Wonderful candidates so far. Who’s our third entry?

NATURE: Last but not least, here’s Baby Annibelle of Kiev, who actually served as an interim New Year Baby in 2018 for a period of a few weeks. She’s also a fabulous dancer.

BABY ANNIBELLE: Fuck you! Fuck everything!

(lone cough from the audience)

TIME: (chuckling) She certainly took the job to heart.

ANNIBELLE: What’s the matter, snowflake? Need a safe space to cry?

TIME: Yes, well.

NATURE: Now as the final judging round, each candidate will state their most important goal for 2019, should they be chosen. Let’s start with Baby Phillip.

PHILLIP: Eee bee guh guh!

(applause)

TIME: Not much to aim for, but extremely cute.

NATURE: Okay. How about you, Manuela? What would you hope to achieve in the new year?

MANUELA: Lugh nom gew gee!

(applause)

TIME: A similar answer to Phillip’s, but perhaps I just can’t translate it. Still, adorable.

NATURE: That leaves us with Annibelle. Dear, what would y-

ANNIBELLE: You know what I’d do? Fucking nothing. Those three weeks I spent as the 2018 child was the worst thing that ever happened to me. The world is besieged by violence and misery from every goddamned direction. I got hooked on uppers within three days and then downers a week later to balance out the uppers. All you can hope to do in that job is hold on as tight as possible while it flings you around.

(silence)

TIME: Wow. You sound like me.

NATURE: Indeed she does. Cynically wise. And while that’s unfortunate for a girl so young, it’s just what the job calls for. I believe Annibelle has won!

TIME: She has! Congratulations, sweet Annibelle! You’re the new year’s baby for 2019!

ANNIBELLE: Fucking bullshit.

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