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The art of not helping

December 11th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Hey there! Great to finally meet you in person. Before we begin, I just want to reiterate how pleased I am that you hired me to be your lifestyle coach. I’ve been doing this for a number of years and think we can make some real progress with your style of living and get you to where you want to be as a person. Looking over the questionnaire you filled out, I see a number of areas we could improve to get you on a new track. Let’s begin, shall we?

Before we even get to your written answers though, I feel the need to point out that you should never wear a red outfit like the one you have on now again. It’s terrible for your complexion! You look like have rosacea or something. Yeesh. Also, those slacks are doing your hips no favors. A person with a pear shape like yours needs something more billowy. A darker color too. Something that makes your lower half less visible.

Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, the questionnaire. Right here at the top I see you say that your primary goal is to boost your self esteem and become more confident in social situations. See, this one’s easy. I recommend brunch. Okay, I can see what you’re thinking from that look on your face, but think about it: everyone loves brunch. You get to eat eggs in the afternoon! How doesn’t that help self esteem? Plus you can have a bloody Mary or mimosa to catch a little buzz in the middle of the day. Getting drunk is a surefire way to boost your confidence. Can’t miss there.

Let’s see, what else do we have here? Right, you’re uncertain about what to do with your career. Looks like you’re in a dead-end job but aren’t sure how to shift gears. My advice? Try summering in Amsterdam. The people there are lovely and generally speak English, and a complete change of scenery is always a quality way to reevaluate things. Try going to the coffee shops and getting high and you’ll have a new take on things in no time. You can even do some psilocybin if you get desperate. Talk about a different perspective!

You shouldn’t frown so much, you know. Makes you look old, and you’ll never get laid looking like that, which is another quality way to boost your satisfaction with life. I mean, some people are attracted to wide hips, so you aren’t completely out of luck. Now, going down the list…hey, where are you going? We haven’t even gotten to your diatribe about your fear of being humiliated yet! I was planning to really zero in on that, considering how many things about you are so embarrassing. God, just look at your hair! Come back!

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