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Taking a knee (in the crotch for the league)

December 10th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

INT. MEDIA ROOM, FEDEX FIELD, EVENING

(Washington’s NFL head coach JAY GRUDEN approaches podium)

GRUDEN: Hi, everyone. As we covered yesterday, Sunday’s game against the Giants was not up to our standards as an organization, and we’ve deservedly taken our lumps. Our focus now is on the this week’s matchup against the Jaguars. Jim?

JAMES FOSTER: Coach, obviously Mark Sanchez struggled out there yesterday. Has there been talk of cutting him from the roster?

GRUDEN: Well, as I’ve said, both Mark and Josh Johnson were brought in here very recently and haven’t had much time to practice or learn the playbook, and their play was reflective of that. But we have a full week of reps ahead of us and feel both can improve tremendously.

FOSTER: Are you frustrated by your options right now, coach? This is a long way from where the season started.

GRUDEN: Look, the injuries to Alex Smith and Colt McCoy emptied our quarterback depth chart, and we’re doing the best we can to replenish it on the fly, but these things can take time. Next question. Luke?

LUKE AUGHLAND: You’ve been asked this before, coach, but what about Colin Kaepernick? He seems like an obvious upgrade over who you’v-

GRUDEN: Yes, we have been over this before! As I told you then, we’ve looked at him but don’t feel he would be good fit in our system.

AUGHLAND: But how is Sanchez better?

GRUDEN: To be honest, we’re still searching for the best options out there. As a matter of fact, we’re working out four more quarterbacks tomorrow.

LESLIE PHILLIPS: Who would those be, coach?

GRUDEN: Kyler Murray, number one.

FOSTER: Who just won the Heisman?

GRUDEN: Damn right, he’s a proven winner and a system guy.

PHILLIPS: Doesn’t he have the college football tournament to worry about?

GRUDEN: Does he? That may be why he’s stalling. Anyway, we also have Paul McDonald coming in too.

MARTY VILLANI: Who, coach?

GRUDEN: You know, the former quarterback for the Cleveland Browns.

VILLANI: Recently? I don’t remember him.

GRUDEN: He started the entire ’84 season! Had a perfect conceptual understanding for the position over those sixteen games. He even won five of them!

FOSTER: Um.

GRUDEN: So two quality system guys. They know how to manage a system. Third, we have somebody a little out-of-the-box. Taylor Swift.

AUGHLAND: Now you’re just trolling us. Please, coach, can we acknowledge that Colin Kaepern-

GRUDEN: (covers ears) La-la-la!! Swift has amazing hip rotation and the poise for the position. (uncovers ears) I took my daughter to a concert of hers last week and came away very impressed. She had quite the system, if you know what I mean.

PHILLIPS: This is just getting gross, coach. It seems like you’re trying to hide something.

AUGHLAND: It’s true. Every time I bring up Kaep-

GRUDEN: I haven’t told you the fourth option! Uh, Max Scherzer.

VILLANI: The pitcher? Why on earth would he be interested?

GRUDEN: He’s systematic! He mixes up his pitches well! Lower body strength!

FOSTER: Coach, is this about the collusion case Kae…a certain former player has brought against the NFL, and you’re just trying to hamhandedly defend your decision to exclude him from workouts in an attempt to avoid contributing any evidence to that case and possibly save your job?

GRUDEN: Absolutely not. We trust our football system, and some people simply cannot fit into it. The system, damn it! This is a witch hunt! There’s no collusion!

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