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December 6th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

St. Louis arch: Prevents Missouri and Illinois from getting that divorce they’ve always wanted.

Empire State Building: Basically a giant thumbtack to keep Manhattan from emigrating to Europe.

The Grand Canyon: An enormous distraction to help you overlook the fact that Phoenix completely sucks.

George Bush Intercontinental Airport: His tombstone, I guess? Also, where all the ghosts in Texas live.

Mount Kilauea: Insurance policy to create more islands after the Pacific inevitably swallows Hawaii.

The Liberty Bell: An anchor of the city that grounds it from floating away on the highs of the Rocky theme song.

La Brea Tarpits: A sticky oasis that’s the yin to the Hollywood sexism and ginned up self importance’s yang.

The National Mall: The landing strip for all of our disappointments in every politician ever.

Yellowstone: The only reason we haven’t exported all of our potholes to Wyoming.

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