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Concession and a stand

December 2nd, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

My fellow residents, tonight we’ve reached the conclusion of a long and arduous journey. A trek that may feel as if it’s ending on a sour note for you, my supporters, but a worthy experience all the same. Because tonight I concede the race for mayor to my opponent, Mr. Harvey. The voters have spoken and I respect their voices. We’ve run a vigorous and energetic campaign, but pulled up short despite our impassioned efforts. I truly wish Mr. Harvey and my fellow citizens the best of luck moving forward.

Unfortunately, I won’t be a part of their future. You see, losing a citywide election to a hamster is more than just humiliating. It’s transformative. This is a personal earthquake that’s made me realize more people in this town like a rodent than myself! More voters would prefer to be governed by a four-legged runt who eats the same pellet made up of ground liver and sawdust everyday than a person who has mastered the baked Alaska in twelve different forms. You’ve made your choice, fine.

Just remember what you opted for when some flood comes along and the mayor insists on running 1500 more revolutions on his hamster wheel before acknowledging it. He’s introverted and selfish. His chief habit is to hoard food in his cheeks, theoretically preserving it for later, though it’s more likely your wallet is in there too. Mr. Harvey the hamster is a fraud but I wish him and our beautiful town the best. May all of you come to terms with your mental deficiencies that led you here and have a wonderful evening. Good night.

Categories: death
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