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Good mourning

December 1st, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Sure, you can frown and furrow your brow, but not too much or you’ll look angry. Remember: this isn’t an argument, it’s a wake. Try to seem cheerful, or even hopeful, but make sure you’re unhappy about it. Any expression of joy not emoted by a child is a mistake at this type of gathering. All smirks will be scrutinized by the throng, and mostly unfairly. Keep the tear ducts lubed and watch your six. There’s no room for humor today.

And yes, that means don’t set up the wacky waving inflatable tube guy in the parking lot. I’m begging you. Just imagine how the parents of the deceased will read it when they emerge from the church to find a vinyl-encased twerking column of air greeting them. Low key is the secret today. No confetti, no balloons, no noisemakers. People are sad and you need to respect that.

Also, the harmonica hymnal is a bad idea, as are the alternatives. I get that you want to help but Jesus, please leave the slide whistle in the glove box. Instead, maybe picture someone driving over your tambourine and try to carry that feeling through the rest of the services. How terrible, right? Embody that and possibly cry if you can. It will help your credibility and hopefully make me feel better about bringing you along to my aunt’s funeral in the first place.

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