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Glamp David

November 15th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

INT. WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT, NIGHTTIME

JARED KUSHNER: Listen, I’m worried about him. He’s been really angry and crazy lately. More than usual, I mean.

IVANKA TRUMP: Oh, poor Daddy! (extremely fake sobbing noises)

ERIC TRUMP: He does seem stressed. He made fun of my wiener yesterday!

KUSHNER: What?

ERIC: I was visiting him and I guess my fly was down, so Dad said, “Don’t let the cold air in there, or your needledick might freeze up and fall off!”

KUSHNER: Um.

ERIC: Then he called me a zombified Gomer Pyle!

KUSHNER: (studying ERIC) Hmm. Well, I didn’t say he was completely crazy. Still, we need to do something.

DONALD TRUMP JR: Don’t look at me. I’m about to get indicted!

KUSHNER: Me too, but I’m pretty sure you just have to pay a fine. A hassle, but no big deal. Qatar can cover us.

TRUMP JR: Really? People on Twitter made it sound like a big deal.

ERIC: Don’t worry, bro. Dad won’t let anything bad happen to us!

IVANKA: Daddy will fix everything! (fake smile and nod) But Jared-poo is right. (pathetic fake lip jut) We need to cheer him up for the holidays! (fake eyebrow raise)

KUSHNER: He hates the holidays, but yes. Maybe we can send him on a vacation somewhere?

TRUMP JR: Where? It’s getting too cold to golf and Mar-a-Lago isn’t exactly a treat anymore.

ERIC: What about Camp David?

KUSHNER: He hates that too. Don’t you remember how he thought it was named after Hasselhoff and expected him to be there? “Not a goddamn Baywatch babe in sight either,” I remember him saying.

IVANKA: Poor Daddy! (very fake lip biting)

TRUMP JR: We could remodel it though! Overhaul it completely! Install some 18 karat toilets and a bunch of that tacky paisley shit he likes. Dad will love it!

ERIC: Yay! Surely that will cheer him up and stop the wiener jokes!

KUSHNER: And I bet I can get the Qataris to pay for it! Isn’t America great?

IVANKA: (fake smile)

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