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Top ten most interesting people onscreen in this sports bar right now

November 9th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

10. Man in the Honda commercial, screen 4. God, look at that haircut! I bet he never merges without looking twice! And the way he’s able to operate the car while still looking at the camera instead of the road? Incredible.

9. Overweight assistant football coach yelling at a line judge, screen 9. Boy, is he mad! I can actually see the spittle flying from his mouth, and that TV isn’t even a high def one.

8. Right offensive guard for the Cincinnati Bengals, screen 2. Just wait for the ball to be snapped and you’ll see what I mean. Here it comes, and…bam! Did you see that? The way he shakes he ass up and down as he’s setting his feet? The guy’s twerking out there! Riveting stuff.

7. Sideline reporter, screen 5. I’ve never seen someone use their free hand so much when speaking. She’s gesticulating to a degree that I have to wonder if there’s a symphony behind the camera that she’s directing. That’s a hell of a tempo she’s setting if so!

6. Old man pitching reverse mortgages, screen 14. This dude looks like a walrus even more than Andy Reid! Might be Wilford Brimley, actually. Is he still alive? Whoever it is looks to be having trouble breathing while just sitting there speaking at the camera. Decent chance he’s dead before this spot ends.

5. Talking head commentator on Fox News program, screen 11. Why’s the news even on? Everyone in this place is here precisely to avoid the news, and there she is yammering on about toothpaste only being for amnesty-loving losers if I’m catching the closed captioning right. It makes no sense, so she’s interesting by default.

4. Reflection of the man at the end of the bar, screen 10. I guess that one’s not working today since it’s blank, but there’s still a lot to study in the reflection’s face. Is that a look of loneliness? A profound gaze of a philosopher contemplating the nature of fate? The blank stare of a drunk who can no longer stand up? The possibilities are endless.

3. Power forward for the Charlotte Hornets, screen 7. It’s the only b-ball game on, for one, and secondly, look at that dude’s moves! To argue he has no flow is to refute the smoothness of silk. He just did that dribble-between-your-own-legs thing that I’ve tried 500 times in my driveway, only to end up chasing the ball down the street, so I’m definitely impressed.

2. The frowning pundit on the CBS halftime show, screen 1. That frown line is deep, man. Like Mariana Trench level. I think his forehead could cleave into two at any second! Are they shooting his dog off camera or something? Chicago’s defense can’t be so bad that this guy has to turn his face into an ass, can it?

1. Nathan Peterman, screen 6. Holy shit, does this guy suck! I can’t look away!

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