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Splish splash

November 6th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments


NANCY LORNER: As we await more numbers coming in on this historic election night, what should we be looking for in terms of trends tonight, Todd?

TODD WENHOLM: Well, Nancy, as you know, the American electorate is famously a drooling pack of morons, so it can be difficult to forecast, but Democrats are hoping for a big night and we should have an idea early on if that’s going to work out.


WENHOLM: Their party has put forward a number of unconventional candidates this cycle and if some of them are pulling in high vote totals, it should signal the proverbial “blue wave” everyone has been talking about.

BERNSTEIN: I haven’t been talking about it. I’m afraid of the ocean.

LORNER: What makes these candidates out-of-the-ordinary? Is it that an unprecedented number of women are on the ticket?

WENHOLM: That’s part of it, yes, but it goes well beyond gender. For instance, in the New Hampshire 2 House district, the party is so confident of victory that they nominated a dog named Maggie for the seat.

LORNER: You mean a real dog? I guess I assumed “Maggie the dog” was just the president’s nickname for her.

BERNSTEIN: Me too. I actually thought it referred to Haberman.

WENHOLM: Afraid not. That’s why her campaign slogan has been “belly rubbing for all.”

LORNER: Huh. Any other races featuring animals?

WENHOLM: Not living ones, no. The Republicans nominated a taxidermied owl for Oregon’s fifth district, but the assumption there is they just didn’t want to invest any money in a lost cause.

LORNER: A lost cause because of the blue wave?

BERNSTEIN: Can we call it something else please?

WENHOLM: It’s hopeless for them because Oregon is essentially a hippie commune these days and the Republican candidate would be doomed even if he was Abraham Lincoln. They’d probably ban shoes from the state if Nike’s headquarters weren’t there.

LORNER: Fascinating. Any other unique races tonight?

WENHOLM: Oh, tons. There’s Republican Malcolm Harold Preenan in Colorado, who has two entirely different faces that still share a mouth. He’s projected to win because of his reputation as a centrist.


WENHOLM: There’s also a northern Florida state senate race featuring a bog monster versus a decaying tree, which the monster is slightly favored to win, but who knows? The wave could knock a lot of candidates on the edge out if it’s big enough.

BERNSTEIN: (beginning to shake) Seriously, could you just stop sa-

LORNER: The bog monster is the Republican?

WENHOLM: Correct, though only by default because it ate the original candidate. That’s how Florida’s state constitution is written. The tree is the Democrat, which the party claims is the sturdiest object in the district.

LORNER: Is it?

WENHOLM: Most arborists predict it will be dead by year’s end.

LORNER: That’s all very interesting! Thanks, Todd. We’re going to take a quick break and then we’ll be back to analyze some more races and size up if the blue wave is materializing.

BERNSTEIN: (standing up) Oh my god, stop it! You’re freaking me out!

WENHOLM: You should call the Democratic gubernatorial candidate for Hawaii. He sells magic beans for this sort of thing.

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