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The blame game

October 24th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Oh, sure. Pin it on the cat. One little roll of toilet paper gets ripped to shreds and it’s automatically my fault. Did you even consider other possible perpetrators before charging me with the crime? Like, couldn’t the idiot dog have done it? That dumb bastard has had two thirds of the contents of your home in his mouth at some point, and yet of course he’s innocent! Nope, it had to be the cat. I suppose you’ll use this as another opportunity to start talking declawing again.

I notice you’re awfully quick to let your punk of a son off the hook too. God forbid we ever consider that little shit a suspect! That’s right, a little shit. Don’t pretend like you’ve never seen him pulling my tail and giggling, but I’m sure you’ve done enough mental somersaults on his behalf to conclude that all those times were somehow my fault. It’s pathetic, Brenda. That boy is going to grow up to be either a serial killer or a heartless CEO, assuming there’s even a difference. Mark my words.

So fine, I’m guilty. What’s the use in arguing when you’ve already made up your mind? But don’t pretend that you’re unbiased. I can hear, you know. I’ve listened to you talk about “dog people” and “cat people,” as if there’s some definitive personality split between humans who prefer one pet to the other. It’s obvious that a “dog person” is shorthand for a boisterous and engaging extrovert and a “cat person” means someone strange who keeps to themselves and sleeps in their clothes. I can see who the game is rigged against here. And anyway, what does that make you, considering you have both a dog and a cat? Nothing but a schizophrenic loon with an asshole for a son, that’s what.

I don’t need this, you know. It would be simple for me to run away and go terrorize those birds flocking around the feeder down the block. I watch them all the time and have got their patterns down to a science. That would be much better than standing here listening to you prattle on about a wasted roll of toilet paper. I may just do it! But first, I’m going to need a nap in the beam of sunshine over there after enduring all these false accusations. You’re still welcome to come over and pet me if you like.

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