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The benefits of your new commute!

October 22nd, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Dear new employee,

Welcome aboard! We’re excited to have you as part of our team here at Vince’s Knick Knacks and Nonsense. You’re no doubt enthusiastic about being part of the company too, but there is an elephant in the room that we like to address up front, so there are no hard feelings down the road. We are all about an open and honest culture here at Vince’s.

It’s true that you will almost certainly have a longer commute to this job than you have to any of your previous jobs, due to our factory being located in a congested area accessible only via one road and miles away from any public transportation. The reasons for this are complicated, but suffice to say the city has some byzantine rules regarding the production of fake vomit and this was the only zoning available.

This means it can be a challenge to get to the office by starting time at 9:00 a.m. Your interviews were scheduled to be outside of rush hours, so you have yet to experience the true magnitude of driving here daily. Between the congestion, perpetual construction and closed lanes and pilot cars, soaring crime rate, and many other obstacles, you’ll probably find it frustrating day after day after day after day.

But this is Vince’s, and in addition to being open and honest, we are a culture of happiness too! Knick knacks are only valuable when forged with joy, so we’ve created a list of positive things you can focus on during your new hellscape commute to keep you from feeling blue or homicidal. We’re sure at least one will fit for you.

See you around the office!

Commuting benefits:

1. It’s a constant opportunity to confirm that your car’s horn still works. How often do you use it now, honestly? Would you even know if it didn’t work? Trying to navigate your way in will allow you to test its functionality at least three times each way.

2. You’ll develop a finer appreciation for the intricacies of road construction. Few people understand the difference between asphalt and slurry, but you’ll be an expert on the topic and many other dimensions of the industry within weeks. And somehow the construction never ends, affording you lots of learning opportunities.

3. Traffic will stop, a lot, which provides ample time to meditate, or rehearse future conversations into the rearview mirror. Checking out of reality for even a few seconds can be very mentally beneficial, and if you blank for too long, you’re just providing someone else an opportunity to test out their horn. Working out what you want to say to your shrink in the mirror is a handy shortcut too, considering you’ll never have time to cover all your new problems at Vince’s in a single session (note: mental health is not covered in your Vince’s insurance plan).

4. Your blood pressure from the traffic stress is sure to increase, but think of it as a form of cardio. With great anger comes great palpitations, right? And you’re sure to experience those en route to your new job given the throng of morons in your way. But why experience it negatively? Banging on the steering wheel is good upper body work! Stomping your feet in fury increases circulation!

5. The demographics of gang activity are fascinating, and provide a unique cultural window. Everyone from the Serbs to the Japanese to Mexicans to Somalians are out on those streets. You’ll notice them because they threaten everyone along the road, often carjacking and murdering people in broad daylight. We recommend you lock your doors at all times and carry a loaded firearm. You’ll learn more about societal clashes each day just staring out your windshield at this slice of the world than you could in any school. Make sure the safety is off on your weapon, as quick retaliation is often necessary.

6. You’ll have time for podcasts! People still like those, right?

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