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Rub a dub dub

October 16th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO, DAYTIME

HOST ELENA GENFALL: Welcome to another episode of Rumors About Town, the show that attempts to determine what’s true and what’s gossip in our little corner of the world. I’m your host, Elena Genfall. Today we tackle one of the juicier stories to come along in some time, and attempt to get to the bottom of what was really going on in that bathtub last week. So without further ado, let’s meet the main players in this bit of news. First up is Sam O’Brien, a butcher at Maxine’s Meat Megastore. Hello, Sam.

SAM O’BRIEN: Hello, Elena. Pleasure to be here to get this straightened out.

GENFALL: Next we have a baker for the Dutch Oven, Mr. Harold Keshlen.

HAROLD KASHLEN: Thank you, Elena.

GENFALL: And last but not least is Nash Ambers, a local…candlestick maker? Is that right?

NASH AMBERS: Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?

GENFALL: I’m sorry, I guess I never really thought of that as a career.

AMBERS: Well, it is. It’s damn fine work if you can get it, in fact.

GENFALL: Huh. You learn something new everyday. Now let’s get right into the story. The three of you were in a bathtub together? That’s correct?

O’BRIEN: Yes, but a lot of the rest of what you’ve heard isn’t.

GENFALL: There are certainly conflicting reports. Let’s start with the basics. Many people claim the bathtub incident happened while you were at sea, others say you were at the fair. There’s even one version that refers to all of you as maids.

KASHLEN: We met one another at the fair, but the bathtub didn’t factor in until the sea, which was later. I hadn’t heard the maid thing.

GENFALL: One anonymous report claimed to have seen Mr. Ambers dressed as a maid at the fair earlier that day. Had you heard this rumor, Mr. A-

AMBERS: Look, the candlestick business is a dirty one. I was in disguise for reasons I can’t disclose.

O’BRIEN: But Nash was in his suit by the time Harry and I met him.

KASHLEN: Right. So to be clear, only Nash was dressed like a maid at any point.

AMBERS: You butchers and bakers are too simple to understand the world outside.

GENFALL: Take us through what happened next. You’re all at the fair…and then in a bathtub in the sea? How does that work?

O’BRIEN: Well, we were strolling through the fair near the beach, when Nash here notices some vendor who’s selling bathtubs. He rushes over, so Harry and I follow him.

KASHLEN: It turns out he was in love with one of the faucets.

AMBERS: That piece would have made the perfect candlestick, and you know it.

GENFALL: And then?

KASHLEN: Nash insisted on only buying the fixture, not the tub, which led to this huge disagreement.

O’BRIEN: It got pretty heated. So finally I intervene and say I’ll just pay for the whole thing to diffuse the tension, but just as I step up, Nash cold cocks the guy and starts dragging the whole tub down the beach.

AMBERS: The hardware would have made an exquisite candlestick, and he was asking forty bucks! The smarter play was to just steal it.

GENFALL: So Sam and Harold, both of you followed Nash down the beach with the stolen bathtub?

KASHLEN: (sheepishly) Actually, we helped him. I guess I kind of agreed that forty was too high.

O’BRIEN: I was thinking we’d return it once Nash calmed down, and maybe I’d just pay the difference and damages, but then suddenly a semi-tidal wave swept us off land.

GENFALL: An enormous wave crashes over the beach and pulls you out to sea, and all three of you are washed away. How did that feel?

KASHLEN: It was terrifying.

O’BRIEN: We all clung to that tub for dear life as we were sucked into the harbor. Without Nash insisting on that bathtub, we would have been added to the 72 people who were drowned that day because they were caught unaware.

AMBERS: Just a devastating day. That faucet was ripped away by the sea current immediately. Candlesticking can be so cruel.

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