Home > death > Grouper groupies

Grouper groupies

October 11th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

A rarely seen phenomenon in nature, today we are discussing grouper groupie incidents. While these are officially considered animal attacks on humans in the wild and are classified as such, a closer look reveals a more complex scenario than anything the death certificates state. The infrequency of the two species encountering one another alone is worth studying, but what truly makes these occurrences so fascinating are the specific types of each creature that must be involved, each being unlikely specimens to be found in the necessary circumstances.

For starters, the only breed of grouper that can qualify is the Epinephelus lanceolatus, more commonly known as the giant grouper. Found in the Indo-Pacific area waters, primarily the Indian Ocean, these fish have been confirmed to grow up to nine feet in length and near 850 pounds in weight. They possess teeth around the edges of their jaws, though not many, rather consuming their food by swallowing it whole and crushing it with large plates inside their pharynxes. The gills on the sides of their bodies, along with their mouths, form powerful vacuums, capable of pulling prey closer as well.

The other required participant for such an incident is easier to locate, but more difficult to put into the same environment as the previous species. We are, of course, referring to the Aphukheadus dypsheetus, a specific breed of human most commonly known as a goddamn moron. Yet not only does our scenario require such a subject, that same individual must too be an enormous fan of the great grouper, as well as a trained diver, given that the fish typically dwell at around 300 feet deep. So our odds of the encounter at all are quite low, let alone for the next and final event to occur.

The reason the human must be a goddamn moron is that he or she will be somehow enough of a devotee to the giant grouper that a meeting is important enough to travel to the bottom of the Indian Ocean, yet also too dim to understand the nature of the underwater beasts’ hunting habits. So our specimen dives into the sea in search of an adventure, only to wind up crushed to death inside a giant fish. Though the accounts of these so-called anti-Jonahs’ untimely demises has never been officially confirmed, extensive interviews with witnesses of the actual events are extremely convincing. There have been a few reports of the groupies being impaled with fishing hooks intended for the giants, but each of those have more the ring of deep sea legend.

Categories: death
  1. No comments yet.
  1. No trackbacks yet.