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A little off the top, and everywhere else

September 18th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

You don’t need to stare. I know how it looks. Why do you think I’m here? It’s at least two weeks before I’d normally come in for a haircut, and even then, I usually go to Bert’s out in the strip mall off Highway 53, not some fancy place like this. But as you can see, I need some help here, and I know you can definitely see that, because you’re still staring. Maybe you could at least close your mouth? I might feel a little less self conscious if your eyes weren’t bulging so much too. Raising your eyebrow like that isn’t helping.

I guess you want the story. Fine. It started on the golf course yesterday, when there was that weird cloud system that rolled through unexpectedly and triggered a thunderstorm. Well, I was standing on the ninth green and lining up my putt, trying to get at least half a round in, when I saw the flash. I was on the ground before I recognized that it was lightning that had been attracted to my now-charred putter, which must have glinted from there to my left temple, where you are obviously noticing a bald spot. I had no idea how jarring it looked until those ladies in the clubhouse started shrieking.

Anyway, as I was making my hasty exit to the parking lot, I noticed these kids trying to graffiti up my car with spray paint, which got blasted onto my forehead in the ensuing chase, thus the purple stripe you continue glancing at. I also tripped and banged my head twice going after them, which has a lot to do with this dislocated tuft above my right ear. Yes, the one you’re gawking at, and yes, it does just flap in the breeze like that. Maybe you should turn that ceiling fan down for a little while?

Then of course there was the axe murderer in the backseat as I finally drove away, which was the cause for the unevenness behind my ear over here and most of the back. He managed to light my hair on fire as well before I crashed into the telephone pole, something that’s best evident on the crown, where it was already thin enough. I accidentally got some borscht over the ear here and was a hedge clipper victim in the front on this side, but those are both other stories. I really just need you to even it out because I’m getting married this afternoon and don’t want to ruin the pictures.

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