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To the left

September 13th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

With the New York State gubanatorial primary voting happening today, we took a moment to sit down with current Governor Andrew Cuomo to discuss the race and how he’s feeling now that today is finally here.

Governor Cuomo, for the first time since you ran your original campaign eight years ago, you’ve faced a primary battle for the Democratic nomination. Has Cynthia Nixon’s campaign against you altered your views on anything politically?

Not at all. I’m the same person I’ve always been: a leader committed to whatever is best for the state of New York and all of its citizens. That dingbat from Soup in the City is nothing more than a nuisance.

Because many people have accused you of running further left than you ever have before to stave off her candidacy, including Nixon herself. How do you respond to those comments?

Well, that’s ridiculous. I’m a proud Democrat and always have been. I may not have mentioned how much I support universal health care for everyone much before, but I’ve definitely always been in favor of it. Secretly, I mean. And just because I’m finally pretending to care about subway infrastructure doesn’t mean it wasn’t always a passion of mine. Again, I just didn’t bring it up before because let’s face it, I’m a busy guy. I have to talk to a lot of lobbyists and rich people.

Does that mean it’s not true that you’ve deliberately ignored the crumbling subway system in the city because you have a grudge against Mayor Bill de Blasio, also a Democ-

No, that’s crazy. I don’t always see eye to eye with the mayor, but there’s no grudge there, even if he is the type of Democrat that seems specifically designed to highlight that I’m practically a secret Republican. I mean, you know, in theory.

But there are several issues on which you’ve recently become outspoken, though not until Ms. Nixon brought them up in her campaign speeches and ads. Do you really expect us to believe that you haven’t been saying many of these things to stave her off in the polls?

Of course not! I’ve always been this liberal! I’m so far to the left that half the staffers in my office make the so-called “leftie” hand gesture when I walk in the room, the one where you shape your fingers like an L and press them to your forehead. How’s that for credentials?

Still, you only recently seemed to acknowledge that you had more or less kept the state Senate in Republicans’ control in your first two terms in some sort of informal power-sharing agreement. Are we to accept that a person doing that was also consistently an uber-liberal?

Yes! Why, I’ve always been a socialist! I mean, communist! Wait, which one is the popular one these days?


That’s what I said. I support Medicare for all. I support legalizing drugs, all of them! I absolutely think we need criminal justice reform. What else did the Sexy City lady say? I support that too.

She has talked a lot about the need for financial reforms to help the disenfranchised and to have the wealthy pay their fair share.

Let’s not go nuts.

Any last words you’d like to offer your constituency?

Only that my goal is the same as it’s always been, and that is to siphon money out of the pockets of…uh, taxpayers, and uh, the wealthy…and to use it to line the pockets of the….uh, disaffected residents who need it. No, wait. What did you say? Disenfranchised! I intend to continue doing that if I’m elected to the office of governor for a third term as a Trojan Horse Democrat.

Thank you, Governor. It appears the first results of the polls have started to be posted and you’re winning handily. Looks like you survived the primary after all.

Oh yeah? Great. Then get the fuck out of my office. I have some lobbyists to call.

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