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The art of being sick

September 11th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

There are times when you’ve got the sniffles and people are just worried they’ll catch your cold, but then there are the moments when you really are sick and those same folks take pity on you. This is a guide for prolonging the attention-from-others part of that experience.

Step 1: Don’t die
This is the big one. People will feel sorry for themselves if you die, not you. Never cross this line.

Step 2: Try not to sleep
You can really prolong the blanket of sympathy if you employ this. Your immune system doesn’t stand a chance of recovering in the throes of sleep deprivation! Try caffeine pills for maximal effect.

Step 3: Forget your medication
How can you keep exhibiting symptoms if you’re busy popping non-caffeine pills to suppress them? Do you really think anyone will care about you if you stop that coughing, or itching, or retching, or collapsing while crossing the street and cracking open your skull?

Step 4: Assure everyone you’re fine
A surefire winner in the game of triggering consolation in others, this is the perfect card to play when sporting a head wound. Your wobbly nature will keep them on their toes and engaged in your every activity!

Step 5: Ignore those heart arrhythmias
It’s nothing. Look how many “get well soon” emails you’ve received!

Step 6: Stay with me now
There were supposed to be thirteen more steps! Don’t forget step 1, damn it! Snap out of it!! STEP ONE!!!

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