Home > shit > One-man band

One-man band

September 6th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Honestly, what’s the big deal? I’m just standing on this street corner playing “Macarena” on my pan flute for the people, yet it seems like every other one of them tries to assault me. One guy last week in a hardhat chased me for five blocks with a crowbar! Sheesh! I searched for pan flute content on YouTube and found a video of me a month or two ago with a voiceover by the poster just saying “what a douche” repeatedly. The nerve!

Every time I visited a city growing up, I took a keen interest in any street performers I encountered. Mimes, evangelists, folk singers, they all fascinated me, how they could put on their show for meager donations, if not just attention. It’s all I ever wanted to be, despite all the insults hurled at me for thinking so. I worked all my life to master several instruments for a maximal entertainment experience, but this morning someone threw the remnants of an egg sandwich at me.

But everything I’ve tried has failed. Even those mimes did better! There wasn’t a single hassle-free day when I was performing “Who Let the Dogs Out” solo, with a triangle, on the Atlantic City boardwalk. A cop even tried to throw me into the ocean once. I tried to sue but the judge ruled I was the instigator by way of noise pollution. And don’t get me started about the reception of my kazoo take on “It’s a Small World” – I’m now banned from all Disney properties! Sheesh!

Anyway, I’ve found a way to turn the tide, and that’s by taking up the recorder, which everyone loves. That magical shrieking will at least be more melodic that the jaw harp I was playing on 3rd this morning when I was knocked down in a coordinated purse attack. Enough with the haters, right? This time it’s gonna work!

Categories: shit
  1. No comments yet.
  1. No trackbacks yet.