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Adventure’s edge

August 18th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Our equipment is state-of-the-art but of course the wind cuts directly through it up here. Those frigid gusts are bone-chilling, though the rides are indisputably worth it in my view. Sure, as the director of the park, I’m biased, I can admit that. No one else can boast a view from the first hill in a roller coaster like ours, and certainly nobody can claim a higher thrill rate during that first descent than we do, given the lack of oxygen the riders’ brains experience. I for one wholeheartedly stand behind our decision to build an amusement park atop K2.

Now, we have our challenges, I’ll admit. For one, an average of 25% of the climbers who try to get here perish along the way, which certainly puts a crimp in our attendance numbers. Those who do manage to make the summit seem to be downright offended that we’ve built a funfair on the peak of the second highest mountain in the world as well. You’d think they would be relived after that arduous climb for a funnel cake and trip around the carousel, but oh no. All they can focus on is that we’ve “besmirched the beauty of the Savage Mountain” and “cheapened the mountaineering experience,” which are very shortsighted complaints.

The biggest issue is our attendance figures though, far and away. The funding committee simply will not let that go, mainly because I mistook the 300 people who’ve reached the top of K2 as the hourly total, not the entirety of summiters in history. It was just a throwaway slide in the Powerpoint document, yet that’s what these VC guys have seized on and bring up in every conference call. “It was blatant fraud,” “you’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” “you’re the dumbest fuck in the universe.” It’s all very monotonous, though I have an idea.

What if the roller coaster didn’t just hug the top 150 feet of the mountain, but the whole thing? You board at base camp one and ride up the face for probably 15 hours, then take the most exhilarating plunge back into Pakistan possible, zooming downward 29,000 feet as you leave your stomach at the peak. If people don’t have to climb, of course they’ll come! To Pakistan. In subzero temperatures. To almost certainly lose consciousness on the way down. Right?

I guess the sell needs some tweaking, but I can just bury that last bit in the Powerpoint file when I talk to the committee on Monday.

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