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The Claus Collapse, Part III

August 3rd, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Part I
Part II

INT. CHRISTMAS ARK WHEELHOUSE, AFTERNOON

SANTA CLAUS: Rudolph, where are we exactly?

RUDOLPH: (studying map) The Norwegian Sea. Iceland should be visible on the starboard side in the next hour or so.

BLITZEN: Santa, can’t we just stop there? Iceland has to be cold enough for us to resettle on it, right?

SANTA: No, you dimwit! The whole world is melting and Iceland will too. Our best hope now is to relocate to the South Pole and pray for the best. Even if all the snow and ice disappear, at least there’s land beneath it and virtually no one else lives there.

CUPID: It’s not that bad, though, Santa. Look at all the icebergs out there. Surely we can stop for a little b-

SANTA: Goddamn it! They’re out there, but they’re not going to last. Can’t you see how many fewer there are now than when all you reindeer shitheads used to go aerial joyriding with the sleigh and slalom between these things as closely as you could?

BLITZEN: You knew about that?

SANTA: You antlered bastards are louder than you think. Now, what’s the state of the rest of the ship?

PRANCER: Many of the elves are very, um, seasick.

DONNER: The leak we had on the port side has been mostly been patched, and I’ve got a couple of the healthy elves carrying bucketing out the water that’s still seeping in.

SANTA: How many are doing that?

DONNER: Two. They’re the…only ones who aren’t ill.

DASHER: Santa. It’s pretty bad belowdecks.

SANTA: What do you mean?

VIXEN: Mrs. Claus’ apple pies have all gone rotten, Santa.

DANCER: They’re making everyone sick. Even Comet.

SANTA: Fuck! The world is melting because I’m in hell!

RUDOLPH: Santa, I suggest we head for land, at least temporarily. I’ve come around on your plan, but we have to regroup and heal or all will be lost.

SANTA: (sighing) I suppose you’re right. Okay, aim for fucking Iceland.

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