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Coven of clowns

FOREST CLEARING OUTSIDE LAMINGTON, NJ, NIGHTTIME

BOOPLES: I’m not kidding. There’s no option left.

QUIGLER: It’s very bad, but…kill him? I don’t know.

FRIZZIE: I can’t agree to murder. I don’t see why we ca-

BOOPLES: What’s your problem, Frizz? You’ve been defensive about him ever since he stopped Skyping into our ritual circles, and now he’s closer to selling us out than ever.

FRIZZIE: It’s nothi-

QUIGLER: Boops has a point, Iz. Why are you so defensive about him? It’s obvious he’s betrayed all of us.

(silence)

BOOPLES: (removing handgun from his waistline) That’s it, I’m going to kill him! But you first!

QUIGLER: Holy shit, when did you get tha-

BOOPLES: (pointing gun at FRIZZIE’s head) WHAT’S YOUR FUCKING SECRET, FRIZZ?!

FRIZZIE: OKAY! Okay! I…I’m…a mole. I work for the FBI. My name is George Papadopoulos.

QUIGLER: Wh-

BOOPLES: The olive oil guy?

PAPADOPOULOS: The who? No, I’m a key witness in the Mueller investigation. I’m sure to go down in history.

QUIGLER: Wait. You’re the dipshit who drunkenly bragged to the Australian ambassador about the DNC email hacking and kicked off the entire Russian probe? Who’s now a cooperating witness? Right?

PAPADOPOULOS: I wouldn’t exactly charactari-

QUIGLER: Wow, and here you are, in a clown coven. This is sad, even for you.

BOOPLES: (waving gun around) What the fuck? This is why you’re defending the deserter, that fucking FRAUD? Because you’re the same? You’re in CAHOOTS?

PAPADOPOULOS: No! Look, I’ll come clean! I became a mole a lot longer ago than people realize, and one of the FBI’s initial strategies was to befriend our former coven member and test his capacity for the absurd, which is how I brought him here. He’s a natural clown, and is hunted like a witch!

BOOPLES: (aiming gun at PAPADOPOULOS) Now I’ll have to kill him and you! You faked our spells all these months, you bastard?

PAPADOPOULOS: Hey, Trum…I mean, the former member was into it! Then he obviously got too busy to come to the rituals anymore and chant around the cauldron. But he’s not going to sell us out.

QUIGLER: Really?

BOOPLES: (slowly lowering gun) Why would that be?

PAPADOPOULOS: Because no one believes the clown witchcraft rumors, not even Mueller. I talk to their lawyers. I hate to tell you guys this, but this whole clown coven has been a long shot ruse to get our former member to do some crazy shit in a trance during one of our rituals and confess his sins.

QUIGLER: (sighing) I knew it. I haven’t gotten that intel yet, but it’s so obvious. Agent Sullivan, by the way. This the worse assignment I’ve ever had. Pretend to be a witch? And a clown. Christ.

BOOPLES: (exhaling) Ha! Me too. I guess we’re covering the bases but it felt so degrading, especially when they gave me the bad cop role. I’m Agent Estevez.

PAPADOPOULOS: This is crazy!

(everyone shakes hands)

PAPADOPOULOS: So, you guys wanna go out for a drink? I’m feeling really talkative!

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