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The odor of Musk

INT. ELON MUSK’S OFFICE, 3:00 A.M.

(ELON MUSK sits alone at his desk, snorting cocaine)

MUSK: Oh, fuck yeah! I just got another idea!

(CARTER LANDRY, RICHARD IBOL and HOWARD THOMPSON enter)

MUSK: There you guys are! I just had this amazing thought on how to streamline solar panels to self-regulate septic tanks! Just think what this could do for the Third World!

IBOL: Sounds great, Elon. Listen, w-

MUSK: What did you call me?

IBOL: Sorry. President Wizard.

MUSK: Damn right. Within these walls, that’s my name.

IBOL: …sure. Anyway, we wanted to speak to you about how you’ve been acting lately.

LANDRY: Simply put, Elo…President Wizard, we’re afraid you’ve finally gone off the deep end.

MUSK: Deep end? Are you talking about my cliff diving vacuum that sucks plastic out of the sea?

THOMPSON: Your wh…? No, this is about your behavior over recent months. You’ve been erratic at best.

MUSK: That’s crazy. I’ve been an idea factory, just like always. I mean, check out this atomic-powered garbage disposal I was putting together yesterday afternoon! (holds up glowing contraption resembling a miniature lawn mower)

IBOL: But you’ve been fighting with random people on Twitter a lot lately. You just accused the British diver from the Thai rescue team who saved that trapped soccer team of kids of being a pedophile!

MUSK: (snorts cocaine) That guy’s a creep! He was saying the custom submarine we built wouldn’t have been able to get those kids out better than he did!

LANDRY: And he would probably know, having been one of the people actually inside the cave, Elon.

MUSK: That’s President Wizard, damn it! He doesn’t know shit! I’m the genius around here, and if I say retrofitting rocket parts to make a crude submarine that’s too large to maneuver through a complicated cave network and stuffing children inside it would have worked despite all the obvious reasons it wouldn’t, then I’m right and anyone who says otherwise is a pedophile! What’s so difficult here?

THOMPSON: Look, you have a serious problem. To cut to the chase, we’re here for an intervention.

MUSK: Intervene in what? My mental hotbed of inventiveness? My four companies that are running smooth as silk?

LANDRY: That’s hardly tr-

MUSK: Hey! What about a robotic silkworm that generates silk from moonrock? That would work, I’d just need to terraform the moon! Ha! It’ll be five companies soon!

LANDRY: Tesla is finally producing the amount of Model 3s weekly that you’ve been promising investors for years, that’s true, but it can’t last considering everyone has to work 20 hours a day to pull it off. Never mind that the truck series you’ve sworn to move onto next is years behind schedule. SpaceX is doing well, but no one understands what you’re thinking with the Boring Company, and…I can’t even remember the fourth one.

MUSK: (snorts cocaine) It’s Neuralink! The one where we’re going to implant robotics into people’s heads! Hey, what if we put them into animals’ heads too? Then livestock would be able to be in charge of themselves! We’d streamline the food production industry!

IBOL: You mean putting chips in cows’ brains so they know how to manage a factory farm? Only for them to get bolts in their skulls a couple months later?

MUSK: Don’t pretend like it’s not a genius idea! The bolt gun could remove the chip so we could reuse it! Or, what if we put the chip in the steak so it can regulate its own temperature? You wouldn’t need refrigeration anymore!

THOMPSON: Listen, the point is the investors have run out of patience with your inability to stay focused on any one thing. Specifically, their money. We’re here to force you out.

MUSK: You couldn’t do that if you wanted to! I’ve already cloned myself!

(CLONE ELON MUSK enters)

CLONE MUSK: I just realized a helicopter only needs one rotor if it’s able to pivot to any side of the craft as needed! The cockpit interior could be a gyroscope so the passengers are never affected by the movement!

MUSK: And the single rotor could transform into a wheel on the ground to make a unicycle-like wheel that can move along the streets and even walls in all three dimensions! Brilliant!

LANDRY: This is going to be harder than I thought.

(both MUSKs snort cocaine)

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