Home > fuck > In search of the latest craze

In search of the latest craze

Keeping up with the trends these days is hard enough, but the body image stuff gets more challenging for me each year as I get older. As the owner of a tattoo parlor that’s done our best to expand into whatever new markets come along, it’s imperative though. People have always loved ink, and piercings are still popular, albeit in stranger and stranger places. But now you’ve got scarification designs, scalpelling, heat branding and the one I still have trouble wrapping my head around, subdermal implants. We offer them all as a service to our client base, but the weirdness is neverending.

All of this got me wondering why I haven’t pioneered some other form of body art on my own though. I mean, if kids want to expand their earlobes to the point you can dunk a basketball through them, they’ll do anything, right? So I spent weeks wracking my brain for an idea that didn’t seem too dangerous or crazy. The best I came up with initially was to graft gorilla skin onto people in patterns so they could grow tufts of hair in specific shapes and designs all over their bodies. I was quite jazzed about it until I started asking around and discovered the blood isn’t exactly compatible and could lead to complications, i.e. lawsuits. Plus everyone’s voice dropped to a whisper whenever discussing it, which I took to be a bad sign.

This was dejecting to me, as I thought the idea had real promise, and I spent several more weeks in a creative funk. But then one night it hit me: windows! At first people thought I meant the type of thing that livestock researchers use to analyze the contents of cows’ stomachs, but those are just holes with a flap over them. I wanted a transparent pane you could look through to see your muscles or organs or blood vessels, so I tracked down a supplier for a very flexible and thin plastic that’s germ resistant. I figured scalpelling and particularly the subdermal stuff is already minor surgery, so how much harder could this be for my team? So once the plastic supply came in, we were ready to give it a shot.

Fortunately one of my employees was excited by the idea and volunteered to be the guinea pig. She had Buckingham Palace tattooed on her back and thought it would be cool to have one of the second floor windows revealing her trapezius muscles. Something about Brexit, I think. Again, it’s tough to keep up with the kids and their memes. But no matter, because she was game, and after a couple hours we had gotten it to work. Two weeks of healing later, and she was feeling great. You could actually peer through that window and see her muscular system at work. I was on cloud nine, sure this would be the next big thing.

But you’ve probably noticed my mentions of the windowing have all been past tense, as if it’s ancient history, or at least that I want it to be. Our first true customer insisted on an aorta window, and while my lawyer has advised me not to get into details, let’s just say it didn’t go as planned. The neck is less resilient than the back in many ways, which was problematic. I can’t really talk about it, but it took me days to clean up the shop and I’ve spent a fortune in legal bills since. With any luck, the jury will decide that the contract our former client signed properly warned him of this outcome before his untimely demise, or I’ll be spending some time away from my family soon.

Either way, back to the drawing board!

Categories: fuck
  1. No comments yet.
  1. No trackbacks yet.