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Brooklyn picnic


STEVE: God, what a beautiful day!

LAMONT: Aren’t we all atheists?

STEVE: I didn’t mean litera-

XANTHIA: The UV rays are too strong out here and are likely to disrupt my biorhythms. Shouldn’t we sit under a tree instead?

JAVIER: Being in the sunlight is good for your body because you absorb more vitamin D, though.

XANTHIA: That’s ridiculous. I get my vitamins like everyone else, by osmosis from my super-nutrient nail polish.

EMILY: I have some anti-melanoma skin balm you can use.

LAMONT: You mean sunscreen?

STEVE: Fine, let’s move under the tree.

(everyone moves five feet)

JAVIER: So what did everyone bring for our little potluck here?

EMILY: I have vegan lasagna.

STEVE: Oh. That doesn’t have gluten in it, does it?

EMILY: No, the noodles are made from locally-sourced rooftop-grown quinoa. What about you?

STEVE: I picked up some pre-melted artisanal ice cream on the way here. Dragonfruit flavored!

LAMONT: Pre-melted?

XANTHIA: I’ve heard of that. It reduces the amount of energy needed to make it to help the environment. So it’s really just milk, cream and sugar poured into a container with whatever extra ingredients you pick.

LAMONT: No good for me. Lactose makes me bloated, and I have an ultimate bocce tournament later.

STEVE: Don’t worry. I find dairy production immoral, so it’s actually just some dragonfruit with sugar on it.

XANTHIA: Pass. I’m not doing sugar right now. But there’s this great place in my neighborhood that makes Ethiopian banh mi sushi roll tacos, and I brought some of those along.

EMILY: Wait, they have pork in them?

XANTHIA: Oh, absolutely not! It’s fauxrk. And the sushi is tofuna. Steve, the shells are made from sorghum, so you’re safe, and I skipped the cheese for you, Lamont.

LAMONT: Thank you.

STEVE: Sorghum? I can eat corn, you know.

LAMONT: And I brought my homemade seaweed swirls, seasoned with amchoor.

JAVIER: I can’t have any amchoor. I’m on the Paucity Diet right now. It’s pretty restrictive.

EMILY: So what can you eat?

JAVIER: Nothing, actually. You just gulp air really hard at mealtimes. I did bring this cereal box for us to share, but it’s empty. Handy if you’re hyperventilating though.

XANTHIA: Maybe you should try some of my nail polish.

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