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Divine intervention

INT.(?) HEAVEN, DAYTIME(?)

ANGEL LYNDON JOHNSON: Hell, none of this is any durn good. It’s a wreck down there.

ANGEL THOMAS JEFFERSON: Indeed. The Republic we worked so hard to erect and maintain is in tatters. We need to intervene!

ANGEL HARRIET TUBMAN: I still can’t understand how you even got in here.

JEFFERSON: The Lord recognized how much my intellect could contribute to our utopia and saw fit to grant me entrance.

TUBMAN: But you famously didn’t even believe in God! I was a slave and had to save countless more from slavery because of your horrible politics!

JEFFERSON: It’s not as if I’m the only one. Right, John?

ANGEL J. EDGAR HOOVER: That’s correct. God works in – what is it? – mysterious ways.

ANGEL ROSA PARKS: This is unbelievable.

HOOVER: In my case, though, I knew of some serious dirt on the Lord and was able to negotiate my way inside, in exchange for signing a non-disclosure agreement. Boy, if you think the stuff in the Old Testament is bad, you should h… I’ve said too much.

JOHNSON: Listen, you spook, there’s no time for debating it now. Just look what these bastards are doing to the fabric of America! I didn’t sign the Civil Rights Act so literal Nazis could parade around fifty years later in plain view.

TUBMAN: And those migrant kids in cages rings way too true for me.

PARKS: We should appeal to Jesus! His mercy is the only way to reverse the damage that’s being done.

JEFFERSON: Yes, let’s do that.

ALL: (in unison) Jesus! Jesus!

(JESUS CHRIST floats in)

CHRIST: Yes, my brothers and sisters? What can I do for you?

JOHNSON: Christ, our former country is having a helluva time down there. People feel free to be open racists now! And the president is leading the way! It’s a real clusterf…uh, fork.

TUBMAN: Can you help us, dear Savior? Someone has to intervene!

CHRIST: I have certainly noticed the uptick of public instances of bigotry, but the truth is you’re being myopic and only focusing on America. This is a trend across the globe, friends, and has been for some time. It isn’t like this should be foreign to any of you based on when you were down there.

PARKS: But all of us worked so hard to eliminate this type of thing! It’s so disheartening.

HOOVER: (coughs)

JEFFERSON: (coughs harder)

JOHNSON: Well hell, isn’t there anything we can do?

CHRIST: Only my Father can intervene in the events of earth, and appealing to him right now would be ill-advised. He’s very caught up in World Cup fever, and the results today probably won’t help your particular cause with the modern state of racism in the U.S.

GOD: (loudly rumbling offstage) STUPID MEXICO!! HOW ARE YOU REACTING SO LATE TO THAT DRIVE?! I SAW THAT GOAL COMING THREE MILLENNIA AWAY!!

TUBMAN: I guess all we can do is pray for things to improve.

CHRIST: Yes, by all means. But as I say, this may one of the rare times when God’s and Donald Trump’s interests align.

GOD: (offstage) YOU CALL THAT DEFENSE, MEXICO?? BUMS, THE LOT OF YOU!!

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