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Regional pizza styles

New York style: This has a thin pliable crust, and is cut into wide slices. Toppings vary. Typically eaten folded in half and while yelling at someone to get the hell out of your way.

San Diego style: A pie baked throughly by the sun, left to sit out on the beach for several hours. Often features the catch of the day and tastes like sand, which you won’t notice because you will be too distracted by everyone repeatedly commenting on how perfect the weather is there.

Des Moines style: A very polite meal with a crust made up entirely of Olive Garden breadsticks that have been stitched together with corn husks. Often is piled high with beef. Requesting any type of vegetables is considered a form of heresy.

Memphis style: This is served on a thick crust that’s formed in the shape of Elvis, and features smoked mozzarella. Usually has barbecue on top, as well as barbiturates. Do not eat while on the toilet, where your chances of death are greatly increased.

Portland (OR) style: A very strange concoction no one who’s not a local understands. The crust is considered a concept more than a food and there is no cheese, as it is thought to be bad for the environment. Toppings range from PRIDE flags to locally-sourced artisanal wood bark.

Albuquerque style: This pie is fired in an adobe oven to give it a real burnt-clay taste. Cactus paddles are a mandatory toppping (watch for needles!) but add-ons are relatively normal from there. Recommended with peyote.

Miami style: The meal is cooked with the power of hip hop, where it is set in front of a subwoofer to distend into form, which requires three nights of late-night clubbing at minimum. Toppings are often Cuban-style. Cheese is considered WAY too fattening to be included. Tastes of lost youth.

Honolulu style: An overpriced entree with a thin crust that is often only found at a luau. Pineapple is not a required topping, though the sauce is actually poi. Baked on a spit, this dish is served tsunami-style, where it is thrown over your head at the most surprising possible moment.

Washington, DC style: This a dining experience sure to give you heartburn. Routinely called the “Fill a Buster Up,” it is cooked entirely with hot air, so the crust is brittle and will crack apart at the slightest touch. Cheese is traditionally burned. Topping options include poisoned groundwater, pure baloney and liberals’ tears.

Little Rock style: Baked on a grandmother’s porch in a frying pan, this pie features an all-grits crust. Typically topped with fried catfish and apples. After one bite, you’ll be seriously questioning what you’re doing there.

Portland (ME) style: A mysterious and confounding meal that is constructed entirely out of misunderstood lobsters, even the cheese. Locals love it, while visitors tend to hurl themselves into the sea after the first slice.

Boise style: Actually just a baked potato that’s been flattened with a rolling pin. They’re barely even hiding it.

Dallas style: A pie that locals claim is the biggest of anywhere, though it is a dubious distinction. Served in a cowboy hat, this delicacy is not baked, as the Texas air cooks it naturally. Cheese is traditionally an inch thick and toppings can only include something you’ve killed yourself.

Cincinnati style: This features a crust formed from fried spaghetti. Basic beef chili is the sauce, and shredded cheddar cheese is spread liberally over it. Toppings include nothing but more chili, though there are four different types. Every slice is legally required to be at least 900 calories.

Juneau style: Sporting a hearty crust, this dish was usually cooked by pressing it against a glacier to create freezer burn, though that has had diminishing success in recent years. Toppings include reindeer sausage and wolf scat.

Boston style: A meal fit for a rebel (or racist). The crust is simply a giant hamburger bun, topped with crushed rotten tomatoes and stinky cheese. Clams and oysters are a staple on top. Be prepared to engage in an annoying sports conversation with your waiter, and date, and fellow patrons, and…

Atlanta style: No one has ever discovered what this tastes like, because the pizzeria is closed by the time anyone ever makes it through traffic to get there.

Denver style: This heralds a crust that is rolled paper thin between two boulders, then piled high with mountain goat cheese. Bison and elk are the featured toppings, as well as the seasonal snowball. Do not forget to get very stoned before attempting to eat this.

Chicago style: The classic deep dish pie, this features a thick crust and inverts the traditional topping/sauce/cheese structure by putting the cheese on the bottom, then the toppings and sauce over it. This is great if you were hoping for an open-faced sandwich that’s too unwieldy to manage and is leaking from most angles. A fork and knife is an option, but we’re not really talking about pizza at that point anymore, are we? It’s frankly an abomination. Also, you might get shot.

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