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The Claus Collapse, Part II

Part I

INT. CHRISTMAS ARK, MORNING

SANTA CLAUS: Please tell me we’re finally ready.

BARRY ELF: We still have twenty more pallets of apple pies to load, Santa.

SANTA: Goddamn it, can’t you see our entire village is being engulfed by the ocean? We’ve got to set sail!

MRS. CLAUS: But our elves need those pies to live, Papa. We have to be patient.

JENNA ELF: Santa, we won’t need more than thirty more minutes.

(ground rumbles)

SANTA: Hell, it probably doesn’t matter. This Christmas Ark looks like it will sink before we even get to 80 degrees latitude anyway, the construction’s so fucking shoddy. We’re doomed!

RANDY ELF: We did our best, Santa. But we’re just not ship builders.

SANTA: Some of you are at least engineers though! Why weren’t more of the nerds involved in putting this together?

BARRY ELF: They all died as soon as we made them work outside.

SANTA: Oh, right. Shit. Where the hell is Rudolph?

MRS. CLAUS: I think he’s been drinking again, Papa.

SANTA: Out of my stash of casks? Son of a…Rudolph! RUDOLPH!!

RUDOLPH: (stumbling in) *hic* Yeah?

SANTA: Damn you, you glimmer-nosed bastard! You’re supposed to be our navigator! Sober up!

RUDOLPH: What difference does it make? There’s nothing out there for us but a watery grave. Fuck it.

MRS. CLAUS: Oh, poor, poor Rudolph. Please cheer up, precious one.

RUDOLPH: Bah!

SANTA: Christ, this just keeps getting worse.

(ground rumbles)

JENNA ELF: The pies are loaded, Santa! We’re ready to embark.

SANTA: Finally! Rudolph, get your damn reindeer cronies and assemble with me in the wheelhouse. Mama, grab a lifejacket. I think we’re going to need them.

RUDOLPH: Bah!

RANDY ELF: Lifejacket?

SANTA: Please tell me you ninnies made lifejackets!

BARRY ELF: We stitched several rubber ducks together. It’s all we knew how to do.

SANTA: Fuck! Okay Mama, climb into a duck vest. We’re outta here!

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