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Batwife

Dear Diary,

I have a secret, something I’ve never anyone, not even you. I was once married to Batman. Yes, really! We were both so young back then, barely out of high school, and it was short-lived, but it absolutely happened. I even have a photo from the Vegas wedding chapel to prove it, though obviously I’ve never shown it to anyone. Especially not Tom! Oh god, our marriage would never be the same if he knew. He’d probably die, he’d be so scandalized, which is why I’ve never spilled the beans on the Dark Knight and me.

Back then I was working as a waitress, helping clean up around the restaurant after everyone had left. So I’m about to head home, but offer to take out this one last trash bag to the alley dumpster, and that’s when it happened. I open the back door, step outside and am immediately confronted with this huge antennaed man beating up another man wearing a ski mask. In my surprise, I fell back into the door and locked myself out, which forced me to have to move past the two strangers to get out of there. Batman noticed all of this, of course, so he paused the thrashing momentarily and gestured for me to go on. My heart was racing with excitement!

After that I started volunteering to take out the garbage every night, and it’s not like anyone was interested in stopping me. I just couldn’t get him out of my head! And sure enough, after three shifts spent craning my neck around the alleyway twelve times a night, he was back, beating up another criminal. Well, I later found out it was just a mannequin, but he had staged the whole thing because he couldn’t stop thinking of me either. We chatted for a minute or two (it really is weird in retrospect that I didn’t realize he was clutching a clothing store dummy the whole time, but I guess I was too busy swooning), and then he asked me out for the next Friday night. How could I say no? He was so sculpted and mysterious!

On Friday, he took me out for a nice Japanese dinner and then we went to some movie I forget, but it was about the mob for sure. He kept muttering under his breath about injustice and was gritting his teeth the whole time, though I was mostly oblivious. I was just so smitten! It’s fair to say I had already fallen in love by then, and he wasn’t far behind. On our fourth date, we were joking about our older friends who were married, and somewhere in the middle he’s like, “We should go to Las Vegas and do it too. Gotham could fall tomorrow for all we know.” And I was so head over heels that I immediately agreed! So we hop into his Batwing and the next thing you know, we’re standing at an altar with Elvis officiating our wedding. Looking back, it’s kind of strange that Elvis was the least weird part of the day.

Anyway, after that I moved into his cave, which was much more dank than I had expected, so I proposed adding some drapes and maybe a few throw pillows. You know, just to liven up the stalagmites a bit. Well, you would have thought I suggested killing his mother the way he reacted! He went on this meandering rant about how there can be no distraction from crime and punishment and any pursuit of your own happiness is completely selfish, and I knew I had made a huge mistake. He was married to his job, not me! I tried to stick it out and make things work, but between him being gone every night and his constant brooding, I had to pull the plug after two weeks. We filled out the paperwork one morning, filed it, and I never saw him again. Frankly, I never really wanted to.

Years later, I read in the Enquirer that Batman is actually Bruce Wayne. I don’t know if that’s true given the source, but it would add up. An aloof billionaire who thinks only of managing his money isn’t that much of a stretch from a guy obsessively glued to his work at the expense of anything social in his life. Also, I never could figure out how Batman made a living. He had all this fancy stuff but I knew him very early in his career, when he still spent most of the time tracking down losers who couldn’t have had more than a hundred bucks on them. It never added up, but I just didn’t want to stick around and solve the mystery. Good riddance!

Categories: death
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