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Another day at the office

INT. WHITE HOUSE BRIEFING ROOM, DAYTIME

SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: …and with that, I’ll take your questions. Jim?

JIM ACOSTA: Yes, the President was recently on a Twitter rant about a “270% dairy tax” Canada puts on U.S. farmers’ imports of milk, which is not actually how that works. Does the President believe his tweets to be true?

SANDERS: Well, first of all, I think it’s insulting to call it a rant. The President was tirelessly working for the American people when he sent that series of angry tweets from his bedroom while watching Fox News. Also, the tweets are true because the President says they are.

ACOSTA: Wait, wh-

SANDERS: Next question. April?

APRIL RYAN: President Trump was also tweeting about how NASA should find a way to improve the payload capacities on their next generation of shuttles. What did he mean by that?

SANDERS: Frankly, I think it’s outrageous that you would ask that question right after Jim’s, as if the two topics are somehow related. It’s not as if the President thinks the moon is made of cheese and we could solve the Canadian tariff issue if we just had a way to bring more moon cheese back to Earth. He absolutely does not believe such a thing, and it’s offensive to me that you would say so.

RYAN: I nev-

SANDERS: The point is the President does not believe we can harvest the moon’s cheese and sell it to Canada under the label Trump Moon Cheese.

RYAN: (looking at phone) He’s actually tweeting about exactly that right now.

SANDERS: You’re looking for parallels where there aren’t any to create a false narrative. The President wants increased payload capacity on space vehicles so he can fire the Democrats into the sun. Next question. Zeke?

ZEKE MILLER: You’ve said in the past that the President didn’t spend campaign funds on an army of sex robots during the 2016 election, but this week his lawyers have conceded in court that that’s precisely wh-

SANDERS: I will not comment on any ongoing legal proceedings, but I will say it’s awfully rude for you to interrupt me like that.

MILLER: But you interrupted m-

SANDERS: And to suggest I’m some kind of horrible liar when all press secretaries have been liars, only that I’ve taken the whole thing into the stratosphere is ridiculous and the American people deserve better. Next. Margaret?

MARGARET TALEV: There was a new development in the Mueller investigation into the President’s possible ties to Russia this week, regardi-

SANDERS: The President has never bought his ties from Russia. They come from China, like all cheap ties in America do, and for you to try framing it with yet another Russia angle should be beneath you.

TALEV: I don’t mean his actual ties. I meant that Mueller introduced evidence in the Manafort case that would seem to imply the President, at the very least, was awa-

SANDERS: Again, for the millionth time, there was no collusion with Russia during the President’s campaign. Just because they were working hand in glove together and the president continues to behave like a Russian agent at every turn is not evidence of collusion. Full stop.

TALEV: Sorry, did you just say th-

SANDERS: I’ll tell you what I didn’t say, and that’s that the President roots for Ivan Drago instead of Rocky when he watches Rocky IV every single evening and is still routinely surprised when Ivan loses, as if movie endings somehow change. Saying that would be an outright falsehood, which again, is something I never do. It’s pathetic that you’d think so. Last question. Cecilia?

CECILIA VEGA: Sarah, are you actually happy doing this? Is it worth debasing yourself to this degree just to work for such a feckless child?

SANDERS: That’s a very offensive question. It is my great privledge to serve this administration and I do so with exactly the amount of dignity one would expect of someone working for and defending President Trump’s behavior. It takes a great amount of energy to burn through so much of your own self-respect every single day, so much so that I’ve had to borrow mine from the future to keep up. I’m already up to March 2043.

VEGA: Wow.

SANDERS: That’s right, wow. Americans everywhere are reacting with awe at what the President is doing to make this country great again by never looking away from a mirror, which he absolutely does not do for ten of his waking hours every single day. I can’t believe you would suggest something so ridiculous. That’s all my time. See you all tomorrow.

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