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Cookie monsters

Soft on the inside, flaky on the outside. Soft on the outside as well, of course, but not quite as much. Gooey too, but that’s on the inside. It should have a cakey makeup though, so you’ve got to balance that with the goo factor. While still keeping all of it soft, especially the middle. What I’m saying is cookie making is hard.

But competing with the Girl Scouts is a bitch! I mean, first of all, there are so many of them! You see them walking around door to door selling cookies. You see them outside the grocery stores, at the local farmer’s market, at the mall. They’re everywhere! And that’s before we even discuss the mothers and fathers that take their daughters’ forms to work or solicit orders from their friends over Facebook. It’s rough out there.

And honestly, the competition isn’t even the worst part. The second I pull my cart up to where the girls have their stands, everyone becomes indignant. The same thing happens when I go knocking on doors ahead of them, trying to gain an edge. “How dare you try and steal these girls’ business away from them!” “Get out of my foyer, you monster!” I’ve heard it all. It really wears on you after a while. Some girl even once stuffed a sleeve of Do-si-dos in my car’s tailpipe.

The real kick in the crotch is that my cookies really are better. When’s the last time you had a Girl Scout cookie that was soft on the inside without microwaving it? These little brats are pawning off this overpriced garbage, benefitting from all their cuteness and people’s sheer habit of buying those cookies. It’s just not fair. A guy can’t make a living anymore without selling out.

Categories: satan
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