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The Claus Collapse, Part I


RANDY ELF: Santa, the elves can’t keep going like this! You’re working all of us to the bone!

SANTA CLAUS: Listen up, I’m not doing this because I want to. We have no choice! The polar cap is melting and our home is done for if we don’t act.

MRS. CLAUS: But Papa, you’re not even letting them sleep! My delicious apple pies can only carry our poor elves so far.

BARRY ELF: Yes, Santa, we haven’t had a good rest i-

SANTA: Goddamn it! Haven’t any of you looked at these climate models? It’s hopeless! The Russians are scouting oil reservoirs underneath us as we speak! There will be Norwegian freighters buzzing by before we know it! All of this is untenable!

RANDY: But Santa, we don’t even know what we’re doing! All of our specialties are making toys, and bes-

SANTA: Not anymore! You’re boatbuilders now, everyone. We’re going to sail out of here and figure out a new plan.

JENNA ELF: I’m supposed to be making…a steering wheel? What’s that? I only know how to carve wooden tops.

SANTA: How the hell should I know? I was living in a frostbitten paradise until all these goddamn children I’ve been giving presents to grew up and shit the planetary bed!

MRS. CLAUS: How am I going to make apple pie on the high seas?

(ground rumbles)

SANTA: Mama, it doesn’t matter anymore! Damn it, we’ve got hurry!

BARRY: Santa, what’s a joist?

RANDY: What’s a rudder?

SANTA: (pause, to audience) How did we get here? How did we accept our doom?

(ground rumbles again)

Categories: death
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