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A charmed life

The whole point of the charm bracelet is to highlight things about yourself, like personality traits or particular likes and interests, and mine is no different. I’ve been wearing this thing for close to a decade now and have amassed quite the menagerie on it over the years. It’s honestly one of my favorite possessions because it never fails to trigger so many happy memories.

Like this charm that’s a little bit of ivory shaped like a tusk? That’s from my Greenpeace years. Well, to be clear, I joined the organization after college to get them to fly me to Kenya, but then ditched everyone a week later and became a poacher. Whoa, calm down! I happened to be really good at it for one thing, so it’s not like the animals suffered much. Plus I made some of the most interesting friends throughout that time, so it’s not like they didn’t die for a good cause.

Anyway, I’m sure I can guess what you’re thinking about the one next to it that’s the machine gun, but no, that has nothing to do with my poaching years. I actually became a mercenary after the poaching stint, so that’s why I have that one. No, I didn’t kill anyone. Well, okay, seven. But that was over the course of nearly three years! Compared to some of the guys I knew, I did virtually nothing. I have some wonderful memories from back then, though I can see you’re not interested.

Oh! How about this one of the painter’s palette? This will be a nice change for you, because it doesn’t involve guns at all and actually depicts one of my most cherished hobbies. What? No, not painting. Art heists! You can’t imagine the thrill of breaking into high-end museums and lifting their most valuable acquisitions right under the nose of those elaborate security systems. I swear it’s pure bliss, and again, you don’t even need the gun. I bring it anyway though, and did use it on a guard once, so I guess maybe you do need it.

You know, if you’re going to have that kind of attitude, I’m not sure this still even worth explaining. I feel like you’re going to be a real downer by the time we get to my favorite, the pipe bomb.

Categories: shit
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