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Expanding the games

People who think cliff diving is so amazing have no idea what they’re talking about. Yes, it takes precision and masterful timing to hit the water when the tide has washed back into the cove, so as not to hit the rocky bottom and injure or kill yourself. Yes, you have to be an excellent diver too, arching yourself away from the cliff while maintaining the perfect diving pose. So it’s not that cliff diving is unimpressive exactly, it’s that it pales in comparison to its cousin, dumpster diving.

Not the one you’re thinking of, where you rummage around in a dumpster when your neighbors move away or something like that. I mean actual diving into dumpsters, from the building it’s beside. In my experience, five stories is the ideal height to flaunt your form yet stop short of dying, assuming you can land properly, which is critical and takes quite a lot of practice. I’ve never seen anyone jump from six without a minimum of partial paralysis. Stick to five.

The content of the dumpster is obviously a big factor too. Plunging into a pile of scrap metal is no cakewalk, so finding the right five-story building is of crucial importance. I know pillow factories come immediately to mind, but those aren’t as easy to find as you may think. Besides, big places like that have huge compactors and don’t typically have dumpsters around. In general, you’re looking at an alleyway in a city somewhere, which tend to contain a wide variety of things. Except behind restaurants, but those nearly always create a very gross experience.

Now, I know none of this matters, because ours would have platforms and the dumpster filling will be standardized, but I want you all to understand the roots of the sport. You can see right through the phonies when it comes to dumpster diving, that’s for sure. They’re generally the ones yelling about how much you have to live for and not to jump, completely misreading the situation. Focusing your attention is essential to a successful plunge, so everyone needs to be on the same page for the divers’ sakes. Screaming about suicide is bad for marketing too, so I can’t emphasize this point enough.

What th- Hey, get your hands off me! What, you’re throwing me out?! I was promised fifteen full minutes with the Olympic Sport Expansion Committee, and it’s only been sev-

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