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I want a new drug

Do you feel like you never want to get out of bed each morning? Dread interacting with the world yet again? Hate yourself and want nothing more than to fade away somehow?

You may be suffering from chronic depression, a cruel and sadistic affliction that sucks the very joy out of life. But finally, there’s a solution!

Introducing Utopithol, the first clinical drug to cure depression completely. It’s true! We trial-tested this on thousands of people and each and every one of them told us that depression was no longer their biggest problem just two weeks later! This is truly the gateway to happiness!

Side effects include: nausea, difficulty sleeping, anxiety, piqued interest in rap beefs, explosive diarrhea, headaches, foot aches, irrational fandom for the Fast and Furious movies, libertarianism, preference for only wearing high top sneakers, revenge fantasies, Snapchat addiction, synesthesia, stalking celebrities, PTSD, CTE, the power of echolocation, blindness, inability to stop saying “like” too often, paranoia, pyromania, becoming a close talker, hatred of the shape of your legs, chest pains, live tweeting, loss of karate abilities, eating grass, hypertension, sounding like Gilbert Gottfried when you speak, narcissism, fear of missing out, increased frequency in stubbing your toes, habitual crocheting, bloody noses, fatal rapid loss of blood by nose, Capgras syndrome, pet allergies (includes fish), inability to separate artists’ personalities from their work, a touch of the death, rope burn, codependency, sleepwalking, a sincere belief that Elon Musk isn’t an idiot in *minimum* three ways, tight hamstrings, swimmer’s ear, delusions of grandeur, a Boston accent, slow internet connections, history revisionism, vampiric behavior, strong opinions on “that whole Brexit thing,” fear of intimacy, and chronic depression.

Again, EVERY SINGLE PERSON OF THOUSANDS reported depression no longer being their chief problem in our follow-ups!

Utopithol: happiness can be yours in just two weeks! Click here!

Categories: satan
  1. Jody Caraher
    May 8th, 2018 at 00:34 | #1

    Hilarious! Boston accent? Hatred for the shape of my legs? How do you come up with this stuff?

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