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A dash of salt


HOST/MODERATOR WALT STEINER: Hey everyone! Welcome back to the webcast of our daily micro-series, “He Said, She Said,” where a newly married couple will have five minutes to debate the topic of our choosing. When time runs out, our three judges will rule on a winner. Today’s contestants are Marvin and Joyce Wheeler. Welcome to you both!

JOYCE: Thank you so much!

MARVIN: Yeah, hi.

STEINER: Let’s get right into it, you two! Joyce, you’ll take the proposition side and Marvin, you’ll be the opposition. Ready? Here’s your debate: “Salt is a recipe ingredient.”

MARVIN: What the f-

JOYCE: Well, it’s obviously an ingredient! How many recipes call for a teaspoon of salt, or a dash to use in a marinade? If it’s on the ingredient list, what else could it be?

STEINER: That’s a good point. Marvin, any opinion?

MARVIN: About salt?

STEINER: As an ingredient, yes.

MARVIN: I’m sorry, what is this show? I thought we were going to talk about history?

JOYCE: No, that was just the example I gave you of one episode, dear. This show is all over the place with its topics.

MARVIN: Like salt?

STEINER: Do you use salt, Mr. Wheeler?

MARVIN: Sure, I like it on fries.

STEINER: And would you consider salt an ingredient in those fries when you eat them?

MARVIN: More of a condiment, I’d say.

JOYCE: Counterpoint! There’s salt in the seasoning of the burger you’re eating alongside those fries! It’s in the bun and the cheese too! Even the actual condiments you use like ketchup and pickles have salt in them! It’s absolutely an ingredient.

STEINER: Marvin? She’s right, salt is in all of those things.

MARVIN: This is a mighty silly show you have here.

STEINER: Well, it’s the best I ca-

MARVIN: But if I have to wade in, I will say salt is closer to an additive in general than an ingredient.

JOYCE: What? Marvin, how could you think that? An additive is food coloring, wintergreen, MSG! Not salt! Just look at any recipe and it’s in there! How could that possibly not qualify as an ingredient?

MARVIN: Because of what you say. It’s in everything. Sure, it’s an ingredient sometimes, but it’s an additive too. And a condiment, a preservative, whatever. It’s also point one and a half percent of your physical body, and everyone else’s. It’s what’s in more than ninety-five percent of the world’s open waters right now. To try and frame it as just an ingredient or additive is goofy. This is a really dumb show.

(buzzer sounds)

STEINER: And that sound means our time is up.

MARVIN: I’ll say.

JOYCE: So which of us won?

STEINER: Our judges are still furrowing their brows. But here’s the verdict, and…it’s inconclusive? That’s never happened before!

JOYCE: Ugh. Let’s go, Marvin.

MARVIN: Are those judges robots? Does anyone actually watch this?

STEINER: Sure! My brother’s a subscriber. Shout out to Brian!

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