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Not today

Oh, perfect. It’s you. So I’m a protagonist again? No, I don’t think so. Why can’t you just buzz the hell off and leave me be? There’s no way I’m doing this a second time! Not after the last escapade, when you had me rob that post office and then drive my car into a river trying to get away. Absolutely not. You hear me? Huh?

I see. Does no response mean I’m the narrator this time too? Well, the hits just keep coming. I’m still not going to do this. Do you have any idea how much it cost to get my car’s interior cleaned after you wrapped up your little tale and then left me for dead? The tow truck alone was $300! A trout got stuck underneath the passenger seat! Not to mention all the trouble I got in for the post office debacle! Forget it, we’re not doing this again.

And yet you don’t leave. Because you need me to DO SOMETHING, right? Why would you be here otherwise? Look, here’s me flipping you off! Is that good enough? Here, I’m mooning you now. Better? Damn it, why can’t you leave me alone? Can’t you see I’m on my lunch break here, trying to finish this sudoku puzzle? I don’t owe you anything. Not a story, not a setting, not an ending, not the time of day. Nothing. Get the hell out of here!

Seriously, you need t- Whoa, excuse me, officer. What’s this about? Exposing mysel–oh! Sorry, I had forgotten my pants were down! But it was only because I was trying to moon the usual narra…it’s kind of a long story, really, but I promise it was harmless. He’s just this asshole who shows up at all the wrong times and makes everything get worse. It’s hard to descr–hey! Let go of me!

What do you mean? You can’t arrest me for indecent exposure! I was set up! Framed! This is crazy! And why is there a television crew over there capturing all of this on video and ensuring it will go viral online? Damn it! This is all his fault! How did this happen again?

Categories: shit
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