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Passage of Voter ID Law Takes Unexpected Turn

April 28th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

The controversial Congressional bill requiring voter I.D. for all citizens to vote that passed late Monday night just became considerably more controversial. Due to the late release of the document’s text, most of the lawmakers voting both yea and nay had not actually read its contents, which included a fatal misspelling.

All mentions of “I.D.” were entered into record as “id,” meaning instead of identification, voters would now be required to provide proof of the psychic agent that contains their most basic desires and instincts when they attend the polls. The backlash was immediate.

Senator Martin Beshelle (R-AR), co-sponsor of the bill, remarked, “This was obviously an unintended consequence of an unlucky typo, and we will be working to resolve the matter.” He continued, “That said, I don’t hate the idea of what passed. Knowing people’s most elemental motivations at the time of voting could be useful, I think.”

Democrats quickly fired back. “This was clearly a trap set by Republican leadership to further erode voting rights,” claimed Senator Diane Plough (D-RI). “The late release of the contents of the bill ensured that even their own caucus members who may have had concerns were not given time to consider them.”

Experts remain unsure how voters would prove the existence of their id at the time of voting. There is no known precedent for such a circumstance.

“This is just simple psychology,” Dr. Thomas Westridge, professor of clinical psychology at the University of Connecticut, said. “But how does one go about proving they have a libido, or a desire for pleasure, beyond just standing there and existing? How else can you prove it?”

“It’s a very dangerous situation,” said Amanda Friese, Vice-President of the ACLU. “To clear a bar like this just to get to the polls is unconstitutional and we will fight it with everything we have. This only serves to further disenfranchise the right to vote for Americans.”

The path forward is unclear. Democrats and Republicans both appear to have soured on the bill now that the error has been highlighted, but no one seems willing to do anything in Congress beyond yelling at one another.

“The fact is, if I’m forced to unmask my primal instincts on election day, it will be obvious that I want to murder half my colleagues, which would really look bad for me if it got out,” commented Representative Tamara Cucchio (D-OR), before realizing she was on record.

“Just kidding!” she added, too late.

In spite of the uproar, the President has vowed to sign the bill in its current form.

“Fuck the citizens,” he said, hinting at the state of his own id. “Fuck everybody.”

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