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Amazon nation

April 27th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments


(door opens and CO-PILOT LESTER COOKE enters)

PILOT SERENA RODRIGUEZ: Ah, there you are. I was starting to wonder.

COOKE: Yeah, sorry about being late. I kept looking for the United flight out of gate 42 but couldn’t find it. Finally I started talking to some passenger, who insisted this was actually the correct flight.

RODRIGUEZ: It is, but we’re no longer United because Amazon bought them last week. Now we’re Air Amazon.

COOKE: Wow. They own everything! So we’re Amazon employees now?

RODRIGUEZ: Yep. Which means your salary has been cut in half and we’re expected to get this plane to Detroit an hour quicker than usual.

COOKE: What? That’s crazy! They can’t do this!

RODRIGUEZ: Already have, I’m afraid. At least we still get health insurance. Wait, are you a Prime member?


RODRIGUEZ: Oh, sorry. Never mind.

COOKE: This is terrible news. How are the flight attendants taking it?

RODRIGUEZ: The current ones are fine with it, but that’s because they’re robots. All the human attendants were laid off immediately.

COOKE: I guess that’s why there was no gate agent either. What about the luggage handlers?

RODRIGUEZ: Gone. We pilots are pretty much the only employees left, actually, and I’m guessing one of us will be laid off by the time we land.

COOKE: This is insane! You mean this could be my last time flying a Boeing 767?

RODRIGUEZ: It’s called the Bezosing 767 now. Amazon bought Boeing too.

COOKE: I can’t believe this.

RODRIGUEZ: Look on the bright side. We still get complimentary snacks.

COOKE: That’s the bright side? Getting half a handful of pretzels and a Stroopwafel cookie?

RODRIGUEZ: They’re StroopJeffel cookies now.

COOKE: Jesus Christ. Well, we might as well get this over with. Should I start with the checklist?

RODRIGUEZ: Don’t bother. We don’t do it that way anymore.

COOKE: What do you mean? That’s how you fly the plane!

RODRIGUEZ: Nope. Alexa, initiate flight sequence and set course for Detroit.

COOKE: Oh my god.

ALEXA: Setting course for Beloit.

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