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The XGA

April 24th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

INT. WWE HEADQUARTERS, CEO VINCE MCMAHON’S OFFICE, DAYTIME

MCMAHON: (into phone) Goddamn it, Hulk! You’ve gotta come back! That whole sex tape thing is all in the past. It’s time to move on and get back to your roots, and what better way than to… (listens) Peter Thiel, eh? And if I can get this rat bastard into the ring, you’ll clobber him just like old times? (listens) It’s a deal! Hulkamania is back, baby! (hangs up)

(PAUL LEVEQUE enters)

LEVEQUE: You wanted to see me, Dad?

MCMAHON: You shithead! I told you to stop calling me that! I’m your father-in-law, not your father!

LEVEQUE: It’s just…Stephanie said you might be nicer to me if I called you Dad. Instead of constantly reminding me how you would have won Armageddon 1999 if she hadn’t intervened at the end.

MCMAHON: Well, she’s just as wrong now as she was then. You’re an asshole and I should have won that match!

LEVEQUE: You kept hitting me with that sledgehammer! Plus, it was all scripted! All I did was play the role you wanted me to.

MCMAHON: Goddamn it, like I’ve been telling you for two decades, that was the wrong script! My fucking assistant didn’t give you the final draft! Well, never mind. We can argue about this again at Thanksgiving. I called you in here to ask if you watched the golf tournament last weekend.

LEVEQUE: Golf? Ugh, it’s so boring. No one’s doing atomic leg drops or anything!

MCMAHON: For once, you’re exactly right. I only saw it because Trump called me again while he was watching. I played along and tried to humor him, but Jesus, it was awful.

LEVEQUE: Yeah, all they do is knock that little ball ar-

MCMAHON: I meant talking to Trump. But the golf was shit too. Anyway, it gave me an idea: the Xtreme Golf Association!

LEVEQUE: You mean like what we’re doing with football when we relaunch the XFL in 2020?

MCMAHON: Obviously, you fucking dope! But I’m beginning to think that it isn’t going to work any better than the first time I tried it. A bunch of people tackling and taunting each other in creative ways is probably what everywhere in America will look like during the 2020 election season. But angry golf would be just goddamn unique enough to appeal to the idiot masses!

LEVEQUE: Wow, I see what you mean! How do we explore this?

MCMAHON: (into phone) Grace! Send in my 11:00!

(SUZY WHALEY enters)

WHALEY: Hello, Vince. It’s a pleasure.

MCMAHON: (shaking her hand) Indeed it is. Here, this is my dipshit son-in-law Paul. Paul, this is the Vice President of the PGA, Suzy Whaley.

LEVEQUE: Nice to m-

MCMAHON: Shut the fuck up! Now, Suzy, I wanted to follow up on what we spoke about briefly on the phone yesterday.

WHALEY: Well, as discussed, I’m not sure how the PGA could fit into your plans. Frankly, we’d want nothing to do with this idea. It would sully our carefully cultivated image.

MCMAHON: First, it’s not the same game. Mine’s Xtreme! And second, I’m not looking for a partnership. I need your help to recruit talent.

WHALEY: Talent? You want me to encourage Tiger to switch over to your sport or something?

MCMAHON: Not him, no. Right attitude, but his body’s gone to shit. Maybe you could give me his ex-wife’s number though. You know, the one who chased him around with a nine iron?

WHALEY: Not a chance.

MCMAHON: Well, whatever. The point is, I don’t want your good golfers. I’m not willing to pay for them anyway. I want the ones that never make the cut after two days or even better, don’t qualify for the tournaments at all! I want the angry ones, the bitter ones! Guys who want to bludgeon each other to fucking death!

WHALEY: Overlooking the enormous ethical issues, I guess I don’t see a problem with that. But what’s in it for the PGA?

MCMAHON: Marketing! Your problem is that it’s mostly only older people who watch golf because it’s goddamn boring as hell. That isn’t going to change, but you can reinforce their loyalty by getting all of them to feel sanctimonious about how my league is ruining the sport. They’ll be clutching their pearls in horror while you sell them another piece of shit $45 visor!

WHALEY: My god, you’re right. Just consider Jim Nance’s reaction! We could start selling licensed fainting couches!

MCMAHON: Now you’re thinking. I just need you to get me connected to your dregs who want to have revenge against their own failure at all costs.

WHALEY: That describes every golfer out there.

MCMAHON: Perfect, though they’ll also need to be okay with taking a tee to the eyeball or getting kneecapped with a putter from time to time.

WHALEY: I’m sure we can arrange something. Well, this was quite enlightening. Thanks for having me in, Vince.

MCMAHON: My pleasure. I knew we’d be able t-

(STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN breaks through door)

AUSTIN: Here comes the whoop ass! (hits MCMAHON in head with folding chair)

MCMAHON: Oh, it’s fucking on! Paul, get your dumb ass over here! Tag Suzy in if you need to, and you probably fucking will. (into phone) Grace! Hold my calls!

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