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Learning Sessions

April 20th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

INT. MARIJUANA DISPENSARY, DENVER, COLORADO

LOLA FIELDING: Happy 4/20, Alex! Woot!

ALEX NOBI: Hells yeah! Back atcha, Fieldy!

FIELDING: So, how are you going to blaze it up tonight?

NOBI: I was thinking edibles today. My friends are pla-

(JEFF SESSIONS enters, wearing an extremely fake mustache)

FIELDING: Hello! Welcome to Dank n’ Dope! How can we help you?

SESSIONS: Yeah, hi. I’m just, uh…passing through, and…

NOBI: Ah, an out-of-towner! Don’t worry, I can show you around.

SESSIONS: Asian, eh? That’s funny. Figured you’d be black.

NOBI: I’m sorry? If you’re looking for Lamar, he’s in the storeroom right now.

SESSIONS: Eh? Uh, no. No, that’s fine. I’m just on a fact-finding mission of sorts. Why don’t you give me the dog and pony show, son.

NOBI: (glancing at FIELDING, who shrugs) Sure, okay. So over here we have the edibles, which come in all sorts of varieties. There’re chocolates, mints, gummy candies, hard can-

SESSIONS: Well, I’ll be snookered. Y’all eat the reefer now?

NOBI: Um. Yes, many people prefer these to smoking. It can be a much smoother high. Over here are some more options…

(NOBI and SESSIONS walk out of earshot)

(LAMAR WILLIS enters from storeroom and approaches FIELDING)

WILLIS: Who’s the cop?

FIELDING: Just some Munchkin yokel with a ridiculous mustache. Seems harmless enough.

WILLIS: Nah, that dude’s the fuzz.

(NOBI and SESSIONS walk back into earshot)

NOBI: …and lastly, this case holds all of our strains of pure bud. There are twelve sativa varieties and fourteen indica ones.

SESSIONS: Indy what? What the hell’re you talking about?

NOBI: Well, there are two different types of cannabis, sativa and indica, and they each have distinctly different effects on users. For instance, this str-

SESSIONS: One makes you a killer and one makes you a rapist, is that it?

NOBI: Whoa, man. No, not at all. Both are good for relaxing, it just depends on how you want to hang.

SESSIONS: (pointing at the case) What’s that one?

NOBI: It’s called Cookie Kush. Grams are $12, but you can get a disc-

SESSIONS: (pointing to a different item) And this?

NOBI: That one’s called Ronald Reagan.

SESSIONS: What? How dare you sully the Gipper!

FIELDING: (walking closer) I’m sorry, sir, but is there a problem? You seem like you need to chill more than any of us. Perhaps I could recommend one of these vapin-

SESSIONS: (loudly) Now, boys!

(SWAT team bursts in)

WILLIS: Told you.

SWAT TEAM CAPTAIN JOEL MICKELS: Hey-ooo! Happy 4/20, my peeps!

NOBI: Hey, it’s Joey from earlier today! Yo, how did those spliffs work out?

MICKELS: Killer, bro!

SWAT TEAM MEMBER JOSE GUERILLO: Holy shit! You guys have Ronald Reagan in here?

FIELDING: Yup. $80 a quarter.

MICKELS: Sweet!

GUERILLO: I can’t just say no!

(laughter all around)

SESSIONS: (shaking his fist as the mustache falls off) I’ll get you damn hippies for this!

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