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Mummy dearest

April 17th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Listen, it’s not that I don’t like it. It’s fantastic. I look twenty years younger! The thing is though, I feel like you may have overdone it with the facelift. My skin is taut as it’s ever been, but you see this stuff brimming out of the corners of my eyes? No, I’m not crying. That’s the point. It’s Botox. There isn’t enough space left in my cheeks for it and it’s leaking.

Yeah, I know that I ordered the “mummified package,” which is sort of my complaint. Why would a mummy need Botox? And even if it did…hell, I can’t even figure out how to end that statement, because it wouldn’t! When have you ever heard of ancient Egyptians using it as part of their burial rituals? I…oh, really? Huh, you know, I wouldn’t have th…wait, you’re just making that up!

Eh? Of course I’m aware that Botox temporarily paralyzes muscles to help eliminate wrinkles. What does that have to do w…oh. Ooh. I guess that does make for a more authentic look now that you say it. Since I’d have to die to achieve that instead, this probably is the better method, even though the facelift did plenty on its own. Still, I paid for the works, so I guess I got what I asked for. It’s really burning the hell out of my eyes though.

Other than that, no real complaints. I didn’t realize you were going to mess with my larynx so much, but I do see that in the contract now that I’m looking again. You know, I kind of like it though. I’m sure my kids will get used to the “guuuuunnnhhhh” sounds in no time. Probably the biggest challenge is going to be adapting to this text-to-voice app on my phone for communicating. The autocorrect is such a ducking pain!

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