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A proper arrangement

April 11th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Hi there. I need to order a flower bouquet. I don’t think it can be just any old regular one, though. This is for a sort of specific occasion and I want to make sure I get it right. No, I don’t have anything exact in mind. To be honest, I don’t know much about flowers at all, so I was hoping you could help me figure this out. Do you have some time to walk through it with me? Great, thanks.

Okay, so this woman was killed in an automobile accident, and… Oh, it’s okay. No need for you to be sorry. So, this woman… Gardenias? I’m not familiar with them, but… Yeah, I’m sure white flowers are a popular choice, but for starters, she died in a garden. That makes gardenias seem a little too on the nose to me. Sorry? It was a car crash, yes, but she ended up dying in a garden, so… Lilies? Well, her name was Lilly, so that doesn’t strike me as ideal either. No, her last name was Roseman, so you can forget about roses too. Anyway, Lilly was out walking and… Chrysanthemums? She was hit by a Chrysler!

Look, this isn’t so simple, which is why I told you I needed to explain. Thank you. Anyway, Lilly was out walking and noticed a new hydroponics store that had opened in her neighborhood, and… Correct. That means hydrangeas are out. So she decides to cross the street to check it out more closely, when BOOM! This pickup flies out of nowhere and hits her, knocking her into the opposite lane. So she’s…yes, I’m aware that Chrysler doesn’t manufacture pickups. No, there wasn’t a garden in the opposite lane! Are you going to let me finish or not?

So, there Lilly lies in the opposite lane as the truck speeds away. She manages to get the license plate number though, then scrapes herself together and limps to the police station down the block to report the hit-and-run. But she’s walking really strangely and happens to have been holding an umbrella, so some cop outside mistakes her as a threat and starts shooting. Lilly obviously can’t retreat very well with her injuries, and she ends up taking three bullets in the abdomen. That sends her reeling back into traffic, where she’s struck by another car, this time the Chrysler. I told you I was getting there.

Yes, yes, the garden. I know. Well, now Lilly is once again airborne, and… Carnation? Yes, obviously we live in a car nation! One with a dangerous police state too! Haven’t you been listening? Oh, the flower, right. No, that won’t work either. So Lilly is… Gladioli? That’s actually a thing? I feel like you’re starting to make these up. Well, fine, but that isn’t going to fly. Because I haven’t gotten to the Glad bag part yet, but you’ll see. So Lilly is sailing through the air and ends up landing in the back of a dump truck. And here’s the crazy thing: the driver didn’t even notice! So now she’s lying on top of a heap of gravel, trying to signal for…

I have to say your interruptions are becoming quite obnoxious. Well, it’s kind of a long story and I want to make sure you understand the context! Of course daffodils are out, because of the Daffy Duck dolls inside the Glad bag! No, it’s not in the back of the dump truck. I already told you that it was full of gravel. Anyway… Stop obsessing about the garden! We’ll get there. Now, as I was saying, this dump truck… Tulips? Those are the Dutch ones, right? No, we better steer clear of those too. There’s Lilly’s whole Dutch oven incident in between the colonoscopy center and YES, the garden, and it’s still just a bit too…

What’s that? The funeral? No, these aren’t for anything like that. Lilly was my ex-wife! The flowers are for me! I just want something that will help me celebrate without reminding me of anything about her when she was alive, including her bizarre death. Uh huh. I see. You’ve already offered all of the varieties in your shop? Well, I can’t very well throw a “no more alimony payments” party with no flowers, can I? Maybe there’s some other… Huh. You’re right. Dead ones would be perfect. I’ll take two dozen. Thanks for…

Hello?

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