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Jesus Christ!

AMONGST THE CLIFFS OUTSIDE JERUSALEM, 33 C.E., DAYTIME

JESUS CHRIST: (peering through a hole in his hand) Yoo hoo!

PETER: Jesus! You’re back!

JUDAS ISCARIOT: (breathing deeply) This is such a relief.

CHRIST: Good to see you too, Judas! My wonderful disciples, I’ve arisen from the dead and will now ascend to Heaven to join my Holy Father. I merely wanted to visit you one last time bef-

BARTHOLOMEW: (rushing in) Holy fuck! Jesus Christ!

CHRIST: Yes, hello, Bart. Remember my sermon about language?

BARTHOLOMEW: Fuckin’ A, I remember!

CHRIST: (sighing) Anyway, I wanted to tell all of you how much I lo-

SIMON: What is it, Messiah?

CHRIST: Well, it’s l-

PHILIP: What? What?

MATTHIAS: Shut up, asshole! He’s trying to talk!

JAMES, SON OF ALPHAEUS: Yeah, shithead! You’re ruining this!

CHRIST: Again, the language thing is at the least just good mann-

ANDREW: I can’t hear all the way back here! Jesus, what was that?

SIMON: Yes, what?

MATTHIAS: Shut up, you fucker!

CHRIST: Please! I’ve only come to tell you the secret to th-

JAMES, SON OF ZEBEDEE: (strolling in) Holy shit! Jesus!

BARTHOLOMEW: Goddamn it, fuckstone! Jesus is trying to talk!

PHILIP: What did he say?

CHRIST: If you could all just be quiet and listen for one minu-

ANDREW: A little louder for the back, please?

MATTHIAS: Shut the fuck up!

CHRIST: HEY!

(silence)

CHRIST: I only wanted to tell you that love is the key to the kingdom of Heaven. Love without regard and without restraint. Love is the answer, always.

PAUL: (furiously taking notes) This is great fucking content!

CHRIST: Also, peace shall reign on Earth forevermore.

PETER: Really? You truly have saved all of us.

CHRIST: No, it actually only gets worse from here. April fools! (ascends into Heaven)

ISCARIOT: So I guess you guys are all still plotting to kill me?

BARTHOLOMEW: You’re goddamn fucking right.

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