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Applesauce dumplings

March 18th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Hello, is this Martha Stewart? HEY! Martha! This is Lana Derrins, longtime subscriber to your magazine and BIG FAN of everything Martha! So glad you picked up! Wow, I have so many things I want to ask you!

What’s that? Oh! Yes, of course I understand you’re a busy person, and I do not intend to take up much of your time. Just a little overwhelmed is all! I mean, I’M TALKING TO MARTHA!! Sorry, that was pretty loud. I’ll try to restrain myself, but I’m just so jazzed to be speaking to you!

What? Right, sorry. I guess I’ll cut right to the chase here. The reason for my call is to ask why you’ve never published a recipe for applesauce dumplings. Not one. They’re a favorite in my family for holidays, and while I know they aren’t that common, it still seems like something that would have found its way into your publication at so-

No, not chicken and apple dumplings. Just applesauce. Of course I’ve tried your chicken and apple dumpling recipe! It’s amazing! But that’s not really applesauce in there, and besides that, why does it even need to have the chicken? Because wh- Oh, but I’m not suggesting they should be the main course! We like to eat the applesauce ones like an appetizer or side dish, depending on the rest of the meal.

Well, that’s not the point. Of course applesauce can be served alone, but making into dumplings is an improved experien- A dessert? No, that would never work! There’s of course the thing that’s sometimes called apple dumplings, where the dough is balled up and then sort of pan fried in applesauce, but that’s totally different! No, it’s a dessert. You know, the one served with ice cream? Yes, I guess it is more common in the s-

Whoa, be careful! Don’t take that “Southern” talk too far, Martha. You’re toeing a line there, and if I wanted a racist opinion on this, I would have called Paula Deen. I just want to know why you won’t publish something as sensationally delicious as applesauce dumplings, particularly now that you can no longer claim you haven’t heard of them. I could email you my family’s recipe for your annual coo-

Well, that’s awfully rude to say! I’m not s- Yes, you told me that you’re busy, I just thought it would be worthwh- Okay, that’s it! You can come at me, but you leave the dumplings out of this! You wouldn’t know a quality dumpl- Oh, really? Is that right? Well, I’m not the fucking CONVICTED FELON, am I? GODDAMN IT MARTHA DON’T YOU HANG UP ON M-

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