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Private Tso

March 17th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

EXT. BATTLEFIELD, DAYTIME

(gunshots ringing out in every direction)

GENERAL ZHĀNG: Where the hell are the reinforcements? We’re getting murdered out here!

MAJOR CHAN: They’re running into a lot of artillery getting here too, General. We’re practically surrounded.

ZHĀNG: Hell! What’s the enemy’s weakest point right now? Are there any logical escape r-

(shell explodes nearby)

CHAN: We thought there was a fissure along the forest in the east there, General, but I’ve heard no report from the scout team and fear the worst.

ZHĀNG: Well, shit. At least I’ll go down swinging.

CHAN: I do have one idea, sir. There’s this private in the fifteenth brigade who…and I know this sounds crazy, but he has a way with chicken that makes you sort of hypnotized. You start eating this stuff he cooks and just go into some kind of trance.

ZHĀNG: Don’t crack up on me now, Major! What the hell are you talking about?

CHAN: It’s just that, I think he could help us here, sir. What have we got to lose?

(another shell explodes nearby)

ZHĀNG: Fine. You have a point.

(CHAN radioes to retrieve TSO from the front lines as ZHĀNG fires his pistol into the distance)

CHAN: I see him!

(TSO rushes in, carrying a rifle and large picnic basket)

TSO: Yes, sir! Private Tso reporting for service!

ZHĀNG: At ease, private. What’s this I hear about you and chicken?

TSO: It’s a special recipe of mine, sir. I have some in my basket, in fact. Here, have a try if you’d like. They’re chicken bites that are specially breaded and covered in my secret sweet sauce, sir.

(ZHĀNG’s eyes glaze over as he starts to drool)

CHAN: Tso, I need you out there distributing this to the enemies, to temporarily paralyze them! What’s the best way to do that?

TSO: Trebuchet?

(shell explodes very nearby, wounding TSO in the torso badly)

CHAN: (rushing to him) Damn it! Tso, Tso! Stay with me. I meant how quickly can you make more? As in, a lot more.

TSO: I…don’t need to. The basket…only has the vol…ume for six meals. But it will…create five thousand.

LIEUTENANT YANG-CHRIST (over radio): Hey, he stole my bit!

(ZHĀNG finally recovers)

TSO: Pull the troops…back and…form a line…to pass down…the chicken. Spread…the aroma…and lure…them in. You’ll win…we’ll…w…wi…

(TSO dies)

CHAN: Damn! But look, it’s already working! Look how the enemy line is breaking downwind from the basket!

ZHĀNG: You’re right! That chicken recipe is incredible. I’m going to recommend Tso be elevated in rank to General posthumously.

LIEUTENANT YANG-CHRIST (over radio): Goddamn it!

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