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Pier pressure

March 14th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

EXT. BOAT SLIP, DAYTIME

HAROLD: Okay, mateys, it’s time to think differently. We need a new strategy.

LOGAN: Do you really have to call us mateys? It’s ridiculously hokey.

HAROLD: My ship, my rules! I’ll make you walk the plank with another comment like that!

LOGAN: (exhaling)

STEPHEN: Captain, what’s the problem?

HAROLD: Well, in case you haven’t noticed, it’s not exactly bustling around this dock with patrons. This time of year is always bad for the adventures-on-the-ocean business. We need a way to draw in more customers!

JIM: Perhaps moving the operation south is a good way to do that.

HAROLD: Gah! You sound like my wife. “St. Petersburg, Florida, is wonderful all year long! Move there, move there!” Well, you can forget it! We may have a fluxuating stream of clientele that often shades into the non-existant, but I’ve got the winter market cornered up here in Nova Scotia!

JIM: Not even Chesapeake Bay or something?

HAROLD: The damn boat is named the Halifax! We’re stuck up here, even if my wife moved to St. Petersburg anyway. But I think I know what we can do for today to drum up some business, mateys.

LOGAN: (exhaling) And what would that be?

HAROLD: Well, today’s March 14th, commonly referred to as Pi Day. You know, the number. I propose we run a one-day special with discounts on absolutely everything. The other promo isn’t working as well as I hoped, and maybe this could breathe new life into it.

STEPHEN: Would that be the “Come on out all you Pisces and take a ride on the high seas!” promo, Captain?

LOGAN: Stop calling him Captain, dipshit! You’re only encouraging him.

HAROLD: That it would, matey Stephen, that it would. Fortunately the days of Pisces run out on March 20, but our annual “hey you Aries, come ride the ferries!” hasn’t done much better since that article about us only having one boat which isn’t even a ferry was published two years ago.

LOGAN: We’ve only been open for eighteen months.

JIM: This Pi Day idea might work. What were you thinking of discounting?

HAROLD: Can’t you hear? Everything, everything! Receive 31.4% off tickets aboard! Happy hour starts at 3:14, where beers are only $3.14! Step deckside and we’ll sail you to 3.14 latitude and 3.14 longitude for the day!

STEPHEN: Captain, wouldn’t that be in the Gulf of Guinea, nearly due south of Lagos? We could never make it in a d-

HAROLD: Listen, matey Stephen, not everyone is as smart as you. Most people don’t even know what longitude and latitude are, let alone how they work, particularly folks who are lured in by $3.14 beer sales.

JIM: Would we serve some slices of pie too?

HAROLD: What the hell does that have to do with anything?

LOGAN: This is absurd.

HAROLD: Look, the glaciers have all melted! Whales are practically extinct, and no one was ever impressed with my harpoon tricks anyway. People don’t even care about aurora borealis anymore! The last time I chartered an excursion to see the northern lights, three of the passengers were wearing VR helmets, because they said it was a more reliable experience! There’s not even any goddamn fish in the ocean to try and catch anymore! Favorable pricing and hoping people are bored senseless are all we’ve got!

JIM: Okay. I’ll go update the website, send out an email blast and start posting flyers around town. It’s pretty late in the day already though. We probably should have talked about this yesterday or earlier to give people a heads-up.

HAROLD: Well, post something about tomorrow too. “Ride the tides on the Ides!” or something.

LOGAN: “Et tu, Fundy Bay?”

HAROLD: Terrible. Okay, mateys, let’s get a move on.

STEPHEN: Aye, aye, Captain!

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